A Small Inheritance
IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his
speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of
Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: It is the little
inheritance I have to leave my children, and, by God's help, I will
leave it unimpaired. Here he shed tears; and, to the astonishment of
those present, Mitford, the Solicitor-General, began to weep. Just look
at Mitford, said a by-stander to Horne Tooke; what on earth is he
crying for? Tooke replied, He is crying to think what a small
inheritance Eldon's children are likely to get.
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A Secret Discovered
'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him flatter. ... A Settled Point
A REFORMED Parliament, exclaimed a Conservative the other day, will never do for this country.--No! but an unreformed would, and that quickly, replied a bystander. ... A Settler
A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?--Why that, sir, stammered out Lamb, will depend upon ... A Sharp Brush
SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. There, Mr. Sheridan, said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever ... A Sheepish Compliment
LORD COCKBURN, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and, observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side of the hill. The shepherd an... A Short Creed
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, Then young man, your creed will be the shortest of any man's I know. ... A Short Journey
AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, Why, my dear sir, you have... A Short Journey
ZOUNDS, fellow! exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, I shall go out of my wits.--Well, you won't have far to go, said the phlegmatic man. ... A Shuffling Answer
A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. Ah! madam, replied the reverend gentleman, it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the loss of time.--That's just what I do, said she; I always begrudge the time that is lost in... A Significant Difference
AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered a bottle of old port.--Waiter, added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, mind now; a bottle of your old port, not your elder port. ... A Silk Gown
GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patri... A Simile
VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass, Do some resemblance show; Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow! ... A Sinecure
ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. A sinecure is it? exclaimed P... A Slight Difference
A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday.--Certainly, said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, Well! Mr. ----, what... A Slight Difference
I KEEP an excellent table, said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. That may be true, ma'am, says he, but you put very little upon it. ... A Slight Eruption
A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!--What has happened, man? said the astonished Chancellor. My lord, a rebellion has broken out.--Where? where?--In the Isle of Man.--In... A Small Glass
THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, Ta... A Small Inheritance
IT was the habit of Lord Eldon, when Attorney-General, to close his speeches with some remarks justifying his own character. At the trial of Horne Tooke, speaking of his own reputation, he said: It is the little inheritance I have to leave my childr... A Small Joke
MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counti... A Smart One-pounder
WHILE the Beggar's Opera was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of Polly, expressed a wish to sing the air of The Miser thus a Shilling sees, a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately ... A Soporific
A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, What particular use he could have for a single pillow?--Why, said Foote, I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this m... A Soporific
A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. Pooh, pooh! said the drowsy Premier; the physician should never quarrel with the effect of his own medicine. ... A Sound Conclusion
SIR WILLIAM CURTIS sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles manufactured from cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c.--Ay, replied the facetious baronet... A Spare Man
JERROLD said to a very thin man, Sir, you are like a pin, but without the head or the point. ... A Speaking Canvas
SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. True, answered he; for the best will always praise themselves. ... A Specimen Of University Etiquette
A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to jeer him for so doing: Why, said he, don... A Sprig Of Shillalah
A FELLOW on the quay, thinking to quiz a poor Irishman, asked him, How do the potatoes eat now, Pat? The Irish lad, who happened to have a shillalah in his hand, answered, O! they eat very well, my jewel, would you like to taste the stalk? and knock... A Stop Watch
A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mo... A Stopper
A GENTLEMAN describing a person who often visited him for the sole purpose of having a long gossip, called him Mr. Jones the stay-maker. ... A Stout Swimmer
SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. Yes, said the Marquis; but I trust I have strength enough to swim to the other side. ... A Strange Objection
A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. Thank you! said he, pushing back the plate, I don't take my wine in pills! ... A Stray Shot
AN officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. You see, said he, that a man never loses by politeness. ... A Striking Notice
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist. ... A Striking Point
WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose) will have it. ...