An Absent Man
A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. O,
my dear sir, replied the wit, say nothing about it, you were not
missed.
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Agreeable And Not Complimentary
IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. I am only a poet, said the captive, and those papers are my roughly-sketched play. The Earl examined the pape... Agricultural Experiences
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. Giving on 'em milk, was the prompt reply. ... Ai
A LEARNED barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother wig, who did not appear to understand them, added, Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial.--Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting.--Not so bad, replied the other. After a... Alere Flamman
MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring ... All The Difference
IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, you need not complain; I always allowed y... All The Difference
A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. It will be long enough before I get another, answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he cont... All The Same
IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned wi... Allegorical Representation
A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a shirt on, and the latter naked. ... Almanac-makers
TWO women scolding each other, one said, Thou liest like a thief and a witch. The other replies, But thou liest like an almanac-maker; for thou liest every day and all the year long. ... Alone In His Glory
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman.--Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then, I am very glad I am not, replied the other. ... Always The Better
A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin.--Sir, said the youth, I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariabl... Amarillis
... American Penance
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few ... An Absent Man
A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. O, my dear sir, replied the wit, say nothing about it, you were not missed. ... An Acceptable Deprivation
THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean ... An Accommodating Physician
IS there anything the matter with you? said a physician to a person who had sent for him. O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere, was the reply. Very well, said the doctor, I'll give you so... An Act Of Justice
DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?--I am,... An Advantageous Tithe
A'BECKETT once said, It seems that anything likely to have an annual increase is liable to be tithed. Could not Lord S----, by virtue of this liability, contrive to get rid of a part of his stupidity? ... An Affectionate Hint
A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? No, was his reply, I make a point of never attending rehearsals! ... An Affirmative Epigram
WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go, The fair one replied to me, No, Richard, no. At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess, For from grammar I learned No and No stood for Yes. ... An Agreeable Practice
DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded... An Ample Apology
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. Yes, said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, it was a good sermon, but he stole it. This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman ... An Anecdote
E--D--N was asked by one of note, Why merit he did not promote; For this good reason, answered he, 'Cause merit ne'er promoted me. ... An Anticipated Calamity
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you! ... An Apish Resemblance
CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that it was not pleasant to look upon one's poor relations. ... An Apt Reproof
MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: Mr. Wesley, ...