The Worst Of All Crimes
AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid
to his charge, answered, I have done still worse! I suffered myself to
be apprehended.
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The Sword And The Scabbard
A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. A poniard, answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, There, I give you the scabbard ba... The Tanner; An Epigram
A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage, In a long tete-a-tete with his dame, While trotting to town in the Kennington stage, About giving their villa a name. A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk, Stole out, ... The Time Out Of Joint
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. Why do you mention his spit? said Jekyll; you must know that nothing turns upon that. In reference to the same noble l... The Timidity Of Beauty
IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!--D.J. ... The Truth At Last
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, Wretched Attempt at Wit. ... The Truth By Accident
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered ... The Two Smiths
A GENTLEMAN, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two.... The Way To Kew
HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given C A B to find Q. Answer: Take your C A B through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford,... The Wheel Of Fortune
JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. Ah! poor devil, said Jekyll, he's going the Home Circuit. ... The Wide Wide Sea
HOOD says that, A Quaker loves the ocean for its broad brim. ... The Will
JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed, Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd: What! cries she, must I suffer because the old knave Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave? That's no wonder, says one, f... The Woolsack
COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. I perceive, interrupted Colman, your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack. ... The Worst Of All Crimes
AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended. ... The Worst Of Two Evils
VILLIERS, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world.--Upon my word, my lord, sa... The Wrong Leg
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving, could not find the stuffing. He tur... The Young Idea
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): Come, now, what is that? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. Schoolmistress: You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it? Scholar: I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to teach you,--but f... The Zodiac Club
ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be called The Zodiac, each member to be named after a sign. And what shall I be? inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his... Theatrical Mistakes
A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in The Clandestine Marriage. When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked a... Theatrical Purgations
A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. I know but one more terrible, said Compton, the actor, to be obliged to sit and hear it. ... Theatrical Wit
HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of h... Thereby Hangs Etc
A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the Beggar's Opera, got his reprieve, once said to Curran, Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it.... Things By Their Right Names
IF by their names we things should call, It surely would be properer, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a hopperer! ... Three Causes
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. Bring me another, says his companion, because I am cold. The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like i... Three Degrees Of Comparison
A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it wa...