Here's to the world, the merry old world,
To its days both bright and blue;
Here's to our future, be it what it may,
And here's to my best--that's you!
INTERSTATE POULTRY SHOW
First Prize Bantam ...
"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive salary you borrow two dollars a month. He is well paid that ...
William J. Stevens, for several years local station agent at Swansea, R. I., was peacefully promenading his platform one morning when a rash dog ventured to snap at one of William's plump legs. Stevens promptly kicked the animal halfway across the...
Little six-year-old Harry was asked by his Sunday-school teacher: "And, Harry, what are you going to give your darling little brother for Christmas this year?" "I dunno," said Harry; "I gave him the measles last year." For little childr...
Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you! ...
"Pa," said little Joe, "I bet I can do something you can't." "Well, what is it?" demanded his pa. "Grow," replied the youngster triumphantly.--_H.E. Zimmerman_. ...
He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and began a conversation. "Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton ...
SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb." ...
The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite directi...
Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife...
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss. One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and...
"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur. "He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof o...
In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?" An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic...
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows: "I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size o...
Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval, wrote to the Queen reminding her of his approaching birthday and de...
A flea and a fly in a flue, Were imprisoned; now what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee." "Let us fly," said the flea, And they flew through a flaw in the flue. The impression that men will never fly like birds seems to...