SCENE--Cabstand
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby,
who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you,
lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title,
and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great
amusement of cabby.
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PETERS--Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular
song
PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?" WINKLE--"Not I." PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?" WINKLE-"I wrote the song." ... PLAYWRIGHT--There is a great climax in the last act
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----" MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?" ... Poor Lot's wife turned to salt alas
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt she only wished to see How hung her skirt behind. ... Pressed for work--cider
Pressed for work--cider. Never out of print--the calico counter. ... RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day sir
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir. MANAGER--Indeed; What now? CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table. ... REGULAR CALLER--I'd like to see your father Tommy if he isn't engaged
REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged." TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged." ... Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry
Rowley Powley, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. ... Said she How beautiful is nature
Said she, "How beautiful is nature!" Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;" Then, added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too." ... Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually but they always welcome the cry of Land-hoe
Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe." ... Say Dad what is an expert accountant
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?" "An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered." ... Say did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'" "No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it." ... Say pop do people take snuff nowadays
"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?" "Sometimes, my son." "Oh, then its all right?" "What is all right?" "Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to snuff." ... Says his lordship to Thomas Your rent I must raise I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf." "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good. For I never can raise it myself." ... SCENE--Cabstand
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the... See here sir remonstrated the young gentleman I got up to give my seat to the lady not to you
"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you." "Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the seat. ... SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven
SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven. GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there? ... Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more. Castleton--But it's the amount asked for. "Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."--Life. ... Seven little missionaries-- Horrible their fate-- Cannibals picked clean their bones Then they were ate
Seven little missionaries-- Horrible their fate-- Cannibals picked clean their bones Then they were ate. ... SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand then
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then? HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb. ... She heard the fog-horn blowing And what is that
She heard the fog-horn blowing, "And what is that?" quoth she, The sailor merrily Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am, Whose bark is on the sea." ... She thinks that her husband is very economical
"She thinks that her husband is very economical." "In what way?" "She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time." ... She wants to be punctual always on time So carries her watch where she goes
She wants to be punctual, always on time, So carries her watch where she goes. And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find She even has clocks on her hose. ... SHE--A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent
SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone." HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek." ... SHE--Are you fond of tea
SHE--"Are you fond of tea?" HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better." ... She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere. He--Did you look among the Vs, dear? ... SHE--I think this a lovely hat you bought me George but really it's a sin to pay $50
SHE--"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it." HE--"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine." ...