A Military Axiom
AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the
expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when
reproached for his conduct, replied, Always quarter upon the enemy,
my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.
More
-
A Long Illness
A CLERGYMAN in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever, preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churc... A Long Residence
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied... A Love Song By Dean Swift
A PUD IN is almi de si re, Mimis tres Ine ver require, Alo veri find it a gestis, His miseri ne ver at restis. ... A Lusus Naturae
AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, girls under twenty-one years of age, who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. That is all right, said an old maid, save the insinuation that some girls are over... A Man And A Brother
HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, I believe that fellow is an impostor.--He is either the most distressed man, or the best acto... A Man Of Letters
WHEN Mr. Wilkes was in the meridian of his popularity, a man in a porter-house, classing himself as an eminent literary character, was asked by one of his companions what right he had to assume such a title. Sir, says he, I'd have you know, I had th... A Man Of Metal
EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, A dealer in old iron.--Then, said the counsel, you must of course be a thief.--I don't see, replied the witness, why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a thief, more t... A Man Without A Rival
GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. Cutting, said Lee, you must be the happiest man in creation.--Why, general?--Because, replied Lee, you are ... A Mark Of Respect
CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head.--I accept it, said Congreve; for trifl... A Mechanical Surgeon
A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down.... A Medical Opinion
AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to... A Merry Thought
THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone. ... A Michaelmas Meeting
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought... A Military Axiom
AN old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy. ... A Mistake
OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. Some puny things, he said, have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking. Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and ... A Model Philanthropist
BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?--He's a philanthropist, sir.--A what?--A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds. ... A Modern Sculptor
BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, Do you know that chap, Smith? said Brown. Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor.--Such a fellow as that a sculptor! surely you must be mistaken.--He may not be the kind of on... A Money-lender
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always ... A Monster
SYDNEY SMITH said that the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure. ... A Mot Of De Foe
WHEN Sir Richard Steele was made a member of the Commons, it was expected from his writings that he would have been an admirable orator; but not proving so, De Foe said, He had better have continued the Spectator than the Tatler. ... A Musical Blow-up
THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrust... A Mystery Cleared Up
W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit. But hold! Extremes will meet: the marvel's over; His very dulness is the extreme of wit. ... A Nameless Man
A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. My name, replied the man, is the same as my father's.--And what is his name? said the gentleman. It is the same as mine.--Then what ... A Neat Quotation
LORD NORBURY asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-know... A Neat Suggestion
A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of soap and a nailbrush. ... A New Disguise
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. Go sober! said Foote. ...