An Equivocal Preference
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship
and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on
the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her
enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened
to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, Ah! she evidently
thought you better than nun.
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An Anticipated Calamity
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you! ... An Apish Resemblance
CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that it was not pleasant to look upon one's poor relations. ... An Apt Reproof
MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: Mr. Wesley, ... An Arcadian
A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, O, how I do wish that this was called work, and well paid! ... An Architectural Pun
On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury Church. The King of Great Britain was reckoned before The head of the Church by all Protestant people; His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more, For wit... An Argument
SAYS P--l--s, Why the Bishops are By nature meant the soil to share, I'll quickly make you understand; For can we not deduct with ease, That nature has designed the seas Expressly to divide the land? ... An Artistic Touch
WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility to the Church Establishment? ... An Attic Jest
SHERIDAN inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen's, the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that he should wear on his forehead a label, To let.--I suppose, To... An East Indian Chaplaincy
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing... An Easy Way
A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. I owe money and cannot pay it, said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. Can't you leave all the uneasiness to your c... An Effort Of Memory
WOULD you think it? said A. to B. Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day.--His memory is evidently not so good as yours, replied B. ... An Empty Head
OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, That girl has no more head than a periwinkle. ... An Endless Task
WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end? ... An Entertaining Proposition
A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had entertained his proposition. No, replied the other, your proposition entertained me. ... An Equivocal Preference
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him a... An Equivocation
A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?--No, sir, said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say ... An Error Corrected
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment. ... An Evasion
A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar! In an instant a man exc... An Expensive Job
A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. Why, yes, replied he; but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the... An Expensive Trip
IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his great ... An Explanation
YOUNG, the author of Night Thoughts, paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. Whose field was that I crossed? asked Young, on rea... An Extinguisher
WHILE Commodore Anson's ship, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight, with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, Sir, our ship is on fire very near the powder magazine.--Then pray, friend... An Eye To Profit
A PERSON speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts the mote in other people's?--Why, s... An Honest Horse
A DEALER once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that he was an honest horse. After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. Why, sir, replied the seller, whenever I rode him ... An Honest Warranty
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?--I know of no faults that he has, except two, replied the man; and one... An Honor To Tipperary
A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. My dear fellow, said he, what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting ove... An Illegal Indorsement
CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. Do, my dear docto... An Impossible Renunciation
THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. Why, sir, said they, we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness.--Renouncing your ain ...