Scotch Simplicity
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
bedside, who said to her, Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin
you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel. To which
Jenny replied. Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna
expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your
folk.
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Rowing In The Same Boat
WE row in the same boat, you know, said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls. ... Royal Favor
A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, He bade me stand out of the way. ... Royal Pun
WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hai... Rum And Water
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, ... Running Accounts
THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, ... Running No Risk
I'M very much surprised, quoth Harry, That Jane a gambler should marry. I'm not at all, her sister says, You know he has such winning ways! ... Sage Advice
THE advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, Wherever you see a head, hit it. ... Sailor's Wedding
A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, N... Salad
TO make this condiment your poet begs The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs; Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve, Smoothness and softness to the salad give; Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl, And, half... Salisbury Cathedral Spire
A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very sharp set. ... Satisfaction
LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called The Snake in the Grass. A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William... Save Us From Our Friends
THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good de... Saving Time
A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, Electors of G----, all that he has said I will do. ... Scandalous
IT was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other person's tables, that he never opened his mouth but at another man's expense. ... Scotch Penetration
AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the Great Unknown had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of Waverley. On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, D'ye think, s... Scotch Simplicity
AT Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin you should see our folks, ye can tell them ... Scotch Understanding
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. O madam, said he, the reason is obvious. At every outlet the... Scotch Wut
A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, John, I saw a brock gang in there.--Did ye, said John; wull ye haud my horse, sir?--Certainly, said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half ... Scotch Wut
IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name o... Scotchman And Highwaymen
A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were... Sealing An Oath
Do you, said Fanny, t' other day, In earnest love me as you say; Or are those tender words applied Alike to fifty girls beside? Dear, cruel girl, cried I, forbear, For by those eyes,--those lips I swear! She stopped me... Seeing A Coronation
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. Th... Seeing Not Believing
A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. Dear me! said the lady, didn't they kill you? ... Self-applause
SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for ... Self-conceit
HAIL, charming power of self-opinion! For none are slaves in thy dominion; Secure in thee, the mind's at ease, The vain have only one to please. ... Self-condemnation
JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscu... Self-condemnation
A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. What! says the master, asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you.--I am truly sensible of my unworthiness, answered the man, and therefo... Self-interest
THOSE who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel the burden. ... Self-knowledge
----, said one of his eulogists, always knows his own mind. We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothing. ... Sensibility
A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, I wish, with all my heart, sir, your cough was better. ...