LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I
kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised
'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'"
"What were you in for?" asked the friend.
"I found a horse."
"Found a horse? Nonsense! They wouldn't jug you for finding a horse."
"Well, but you see I found him before the owner lost him
"Party that lost purse containing twenty dollars need worry no
longer--it has been found."--_Brooklyn Life_.
A lawyer having offices in a large office building recently lost a
cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolutely
certain that he had dropped the link somewhere in the building he posted
this notice:
"Lost. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate
its immediate return."
That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what
were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were
these lines:
"The finder of the missing cuff-link would deem it a great favor if the
owner would kindly lose the other link."
CHINAMAN--"You tellee me where railroad depot?"
CITIZEN--"What's the matter, John? Lost?"
CHINAMAN--"No! me here. Depot lost."
More
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JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?" ... KENTUCKY
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. ... KINDNESS
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_. An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a ... KINGS AND RULERS
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments." "Aren't they rather light?" "They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville." The... KISSES
Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a million, Treble that million, and when that is done ... KNOWLEDGE
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick." The man... KULTUR
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid fool!" MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."--_Life_. ... LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. "What'll ye pay?" asked Si. "I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer. Si scratched his hea... LADIES
_See_ Etiquet; Woman. ... LANDLORDS
An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him. "Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district!" "He has, sir," re... LANGUAGES
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying Arabic in preparation fo... LAUGHTER
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted." Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you. About the best and finest th... LAW
_See_ Punishment. ... LAWYERS
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.--_Puck_. George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers' ... LAZINESS
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch. "Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of money shipping green corn... LEAP YEAR
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked: "George, as it is leap year--" The caller turned pale. "As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, ... LEGISLATORS
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced. ... LIARS
There are three kinds of liars: 1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. 2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out tha... LIBERTY
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like. A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. --_Addison_. Where liberty dwells, there is my country.... LIBRARIANS
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians." The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the st... LIFE
Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some float and the rest--sink. I count life just a stuff To try the soul's strength on. --_Robert Browning_. May you live as long as you like, And have what you ... LISPING
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp. "Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk." ... LIVING
_See_ Cost of living. ... LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'" "What were you in for?" asked the friend. "I found a horse." "Found a ho... LOVE
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life. MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?" MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes... LOYALTY
Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, got into his auto and started for town. At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began... LUCK
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet it.--_Douglas Jerrold_. O, once in each man's life, at least, Good luck knocks at his door; And wit to seize the flitting guest Need never hunger more. But whi... MAINE
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different states were called. "Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michi... MAKING GOOD
"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus. "Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see him turn blue, an' on green to see h... MALARIA
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and proceeded to ask the usual questions. "It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate d... MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of his wife. When the woman came u... MARRIAGE
MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?" MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's skeered to death of her!" "Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and... MARRIAGE FEES
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources. The father was obdu... MATHEMATICS
_See_ Arithmetic. ... MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage. ... MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street. "What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. "Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother Sm... MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a perfect kid." ... MEDICINE
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal so... MEEKNESS
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were sp... MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes' plant... MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him... MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. "Wh... MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in t... METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the... MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ...