GUEST--Look here waiter do you call this a spring chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By
the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."
WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled
egg!"
More
-
Friend of mine to-day said Mr
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board." "I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"---- "Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to i... FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way? HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission. ... Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide. ... Gee I just made a bad break murmured the chef as he threw away some rotten eggs
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs. ... Gee whizz
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!" ... George you look exhausted she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat. "Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out." ... GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me. HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time? GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, Ge... Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling. ... Good gracious said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next." ... GRACE--Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands." ... GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead." ... GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?" ... GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box. ... GUEST--Look here waiter do you call this a spring chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue." WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!" ... GUEST--What have you got
GUEST--What have you got? WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet-- GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know. ... GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree. STRANGER--How can you tell? GUIDE--By its bark. ... Harold began his wife
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----" "Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!" ... HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself? POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter. ... Have you ever met my sister Louisa
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home--Lena." ... Have you much room in your new flat
"Have you much room in your new flat?" "Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk." ... Have you received last month's gas bill dear
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?" "Yes, husband." "Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?" ... Haven't I told you before he cried to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?" "I will sir." And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear P... He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out
He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips. ... He called her an angel before they were wed But that alas
He called her an angel before they were wed, But that, alas! didn't endure. For ere many months had passed over his head, He wished that she was one for sure. ... He dined not wisely but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him Excepting pills
He dined, not wisely, but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him, Excepting pills. ... He has none of the finer sensibilities nothing to distinguish him from the common herd
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd." "No?" "No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."--Puck. ...