Have you received last month's gas bill dear
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"
"Yes, husband."
"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"
More
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Good gracious said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg
on the nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next." ... GRACE--Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands." ... GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead." ... GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?" ... GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box. ... GUEST--Look here waiter do you call this a spring chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue." WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!" ... GUEST--What have you got
GUEST--What have you got? WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet-- GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know. ... GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree. STRANGER--How can you tell? GUIDE--By its bark. ... Harold began his wife
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----" "Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!" ... HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself? POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter. ... Have you ever met my sister Louisa
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home--Lena." ... Have you much room in your new flat
"Have you much room in your new flat?" "Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk." ... Have you received last month's gas bill dear
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?" "Yes, husband." "Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?" ... Haven't I told you before he cried to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?" "I will sir." And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear P... He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out
He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips. ... He called her an angel before they were wed But that alas
He called her an angel before they were wed, But that, alas! didn't endure. For ere many months had passed over his head, He wished that she was one for sure. ... He dined not wisely but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him Excepting pills
He dined, not wisely, but too well-- Hence all his ills; And nothing now agrees with him, Excepting pills. ... He has none of the finer sensibilities nothing to distinguish him from the common herd
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd." "No?" "No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."--Puck. ... He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week-- They say with painter's colic
He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week-- They say, with painter's colic. ... He said to her: You're just a bird
He said to her: "You're just a bird!" "Then, Johnnie, dear," said she, "If all is true that I have heard, A bottle goes with me." ... He seems to have gone to the bad completely
"He seems to have gone to the bad completely." "Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim." ... He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower
He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour, But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower. ... He was a genial smiling man And fond of whisky plain But when he joined the temperance club He never smiled again
He was a genial, smiling man And fond of whisky plain, But when he joined the temperance club, He never smiled again. ... He went on a lark So his wife did remark And some angry words too did she mutter
He went on a lark, So his wife did remark, And some angry words, too, did she mutter. On a lark he went out, Of that fact there's no doubt, But he came in, alas! on a shutter. ...