Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
said:
"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"
* * *
The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
of the music teacher.
"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"
"Yes, mother."
"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"
"Yes, mother."
"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"
"On her side I did, mother."
More
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Candor
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called. "I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise. The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly: "Yes, you certainly do." "Oh, you... Cards
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He ... Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket." ... Caterpillars
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed. "Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?" "They climb tre... Cats
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in h... Cause And Effect
"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness." "Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one." * * * "He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer say... Cause And Effect
"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill." "Sour grapes always _did_ have that effect." * * * ... Caustic
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telephone to tell him about it, and to suggest that he had better bring i... Changing Places
"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage." "She has evidently reversed the order of things." "How so?" "_She_ does the dictating now." * * * ... Changing The Subject
_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening." _He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better." _She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while." *... Charity
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing. "A Sister of Charity," was the answer. "Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?" ... Chicken-stealing
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered: "Come out of there, you ornery thief!" There was silence for a few seconds, except ... Christianity
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might b... Christmas
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey. The colored ... Church
The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and noticed that a guest of his ... Claiming Acquaintance
_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm." _Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct." * * * ... Classified
_Mrs. Bargain:_ "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat." _Mr. Bargain:_ "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'" * * * ... Cleanliness
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said: "Please, mother, may I sit on m... Community
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her: "Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?" The you... Compensation
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper: "'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket." ... Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. "Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter. The bachelor retorted with icy disdain: ... Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. S... Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble. "Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues." ... Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back." ... Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you." "It's... Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted. A doz... Constancy
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness: "I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my lips, that I--love... Conversion
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil ... Cookery
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten... Couldn't Resist It
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?" "I have," responded the butcher. "And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?" "It is."... Courtesy
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him: "Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches." The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said: "Good-morning, gentlem... Cowardice
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly: "Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?" "That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile." It was thus that the a... Curiosity
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl... Damages
The child came to his mother in tears. "Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth." "Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?" "I was pounding it with father's watch?" ...