Modest Merit
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
the worst actor in the world. They were engaged, and the lady answered
the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
Sir, answered the other, here is your own letter, stating that you
were the worst actor in the world.--True, replied the other, but
then I had not seen you.
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Measure For Measure
A FELLOW stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him! ... Measure For Measure
THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the l... Measuring His Distance
A BROWBEATING counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. Just four yards, two feet, and six inches, was the reply. How came you to be so exact, my friend?--Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured ... Melodramatic Hit
BURKE'S was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a ... Men Of Letters
A CORRESPONDENT, something new Transmitting, signed himself X.Q. The editor his letter read, And begged he might be X.Q.Z. ... Men Of Weight
IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest. ... Milesian Advice
NEVER be critical upon the ladies, was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes. ... Military Eloquence
AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, There, my brave fellows, go and clothe yourselves. ... Milton On Woman
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in the different languages: to which he replied, No, sir; one tongue is sufficient for a woman. ... Mind Your Points
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of Othello, had this exquisite passage: Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, smothers her. ... Minding His Business
MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it. ... Minding His Cue
MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, Gertrude, do not drink, he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley (for the safe... Miser's Charity
AN illiterate person, who always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private ... Miss Wilberforce
WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of Miss Wilberforce... Mistaken Identity
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, I believe, madam, said he, I have dropt a guinea.--N... Modern Acting
JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey, Jerrold.--Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey! ... Modest
IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lordship modestly replied, Lord Stanley is the second, madam. ... Modest Merit
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was the worst actor in the world. They were engag... Modest Request
A GENTLEMAN travelling, was accosted by a man walking along the road, who begged the favor of him to put his great coat, which he found very heavy, into his carriage. With all my heart, said the gentleman; but if we should not be travelling to the s... Money Returned
A LAWYER being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen: being asked the reason for so doing; From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again. ... Money's Worth
A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at hi... Money's Worth
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, My man, you do not sweat at that work.--Why, no, master, was the reply, seven... Money's Worth
A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. I believe they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man, was the reply. ... Moral Equality Of Man
ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions. ... More Honored In The Breach
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, You buy him as you see him; but he's an honest beast. The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry pur... Motherly Remark
SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, Heaven pity the man that's tied to my... Mr Abernethy
A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly.--Why then, ma'am, answered Mr. A., you area great fool for d... Mr Canning's Parasites
NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, which doubtless think the... Mr Charles Yorke
WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideo... Mr Erskine's Firmness
IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again in... Mr Thelwall
WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote unde... Mr Tierney's Humor
MR. TIERNEY, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry)... Much Alike
A SAILOR was asked, Where did your father die?--In a storm, answered the sailor. And your grandfather?--He was drowned.--And your great-grandfather?--He perished at sea.--How, then, said the questioner, dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors p... Multiplying One
SYDNEY SMITH once said: I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a meeting of the clergy, and was delighted of course. ...