A Ready Reckoner
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was
accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he
declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank
off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when
demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
Sure, and haven't I given ye the loaf for the whiskey?
Well, but you did not pay for the loaf, you know.
Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I didn't take the loaf, man
alive? And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a
brown study.
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A Prophecy
CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), Why, answered the comedian, he is going to draw houses, like his father. ... A Proud Heart
MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looki... A Proverb Reversed
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say, With our parson the maxim should run t'other way; For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches, We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches. ... A Provident Boy
AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow.--O yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I han't eaten for yesterda... A Pun With An Irish Accent
HOOD described a good church minister as Piety parsonified. ... A Pungent Pinch
WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: Lundy, exclaimed Curran, that's a poser,--a deuse of a pinch, Lundy! ... A Quakerly Objection
A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to take off his hat! ... A Queer Expression
A POOR but clever student in the University of Glasgow was met by one of the Professors, who noticing the scantiness of his academical toga, said, Mr. ----, your gown is very short.--It will be long enough, sir, before I get another, replied the stu... A Query Answered
WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings No jester to their courts admit? They're grown such stately solemn things, To bear a joke they think not fit. But though each court a jester lacks, To laugh at monarchs to their fa... A Query For Mr Babbage
A PERSON, hearing that Time is Money, became desirous of learning how many years it would take to pay a little debt of a hundred pounds! ... A Question For The Peerage
AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show, Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row, I feel for the bridge, whispered Dick, with a shiver; Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river. Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: Aband... A Question Of Descent
A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?--And, perhaps,... A Question Of Time
WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. If your grace, replied Taylor, will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it. ... A Quick Lie
A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch.--By my word, said Pat, an' yer honor's a gintleman! ... A Quiet Dose
A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? I'll tell you, said the doctor, sarcastically; You should take advice. ... A Rake's Economy
WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet. ... A Ready Reckoner
A MATHEMATICIAN being asked by a wag, If a pig weighs 200 pounds, how much will a great boar (bore?) weigh? he replied, Jump into the scales, and I will tell you immediately. ... A Ready Reckoner
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards th... A Reason
I WISH you at the devil! said somebody to Wilkes. I don't wish you there, was the answer. Why?--Because I never wish to see you again! ... A Reason For Being Too Late
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. I wonder, said the gentleman, that the elephant did not secure an inside place.... A Reason For Belief
DO you believe in the apostolical succession? inquired one of Sydney Smith. I do, he replied: and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, who is so like Judas. ... A Reason For Not Moving
THOMSON, the author of the Seasons, was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. Man, I hae nae motive, replied the poet. ... A Reason For Polygamy
AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? Please your worship, says Paddy, I was just trying to get a good one. ... A Reason For Running Away
OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay. ... A Reasonable Demand
COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, B----, I go by your door, and will set you do... A Reasonable Excuse
A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. Sir, replied a friend, your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them. ... A Reasonable Preference
WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of Hy-men. ... A Reasonable Refusal
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. Indeed, she answered right sturdily, ... A Reasonable Request
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: It will only cost a few men.--Will you make one of the few? remarked the general. ... A Rebuke
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. Then, said an old soldier, be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back. ... A Reflection
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. I never knew till now, said the witness, that my face was a looking-glass. ... A Remarkable Echo
A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please. The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass ... A Reverse
AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure. ... A Reverse Joke
A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? So I should, said the soldier, if he had run...