Candid On Both Sides
I RISE for information, said a member of the legislative body. I am
very glad to hear it, said a bystander, for no man wants it more.
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Burke's Tediousness
THOUGH upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so mu... Business And Pleasure
A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a business of his pleasure. ... Busy Bodies
A MASTER of a ship called out, Who is below? A boy answered, Will, sir.--What are you doing?--Nothing, sir.--Is Tom there?--Yes, said Tom. What are you doing?--Helping Will, sir. ... But One Good Translation
DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a translation,--except a bishop! ... By The Same
MOLLIS abuti, Has an acuti, No lasso finis, Molli divinis. O mi de armis tres, Imi nadis tres, Cantu disco ver Meas alo ver? ... Byron Libellous
THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, because it shoots from the eyes.--Or rather, exclaimed Lord Byron, because it becomes less by pairing. ... Calculation
SAYS Giles, My wife and I are two, Yet, faith, I know not why, sir. Quoth Jack, You're ten, if I speak true; She 's one and you're a cipher. ... Caledonian Comfort
TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. Trot... Calf's Head Surprised
A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, So, sir, philosophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies.--Why not, replied the other, do you think Providence intended all the good things for f... Caliban's Looking-glass
A REMARKABLY ugly and disagreeable man sat opposite Jerrold at a dinner-party. Before the cloth was removed, Jerrold accidentally broke a glass. Whereupon the ugly gentleman, thinking to twit his opposite neighbor with great effect, said slily, What... Calumny
GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon-vivant, They tell me, Sir John, you love a glass of wine.--Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty, answered he, bowing profoundly, do me great injustice; they should have said,--... Cambridge Etiquette
CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of drowning, What a pity, he exclaimed, that I have no... Candid On Both Sides
I RISE for information, said a member of the legislative body. I am very glad to hear it, said a bystander, for no man wants it more. ... Candor
A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very uns... Canine Poetry
A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:-- This collar don't belong to you, sir, Pass on--or you may have one too, sir. The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was ins... Cap This
SIR THOMAS MORE, the famous Chancellor, who preserved his humor and wit to the last moment, when he came to be executed on Tower-hill, the headsman demanded his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap, that, I think, is my ... Carrots Classically Considered
WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know (I note it here in charity), Had taste in beauty, and with them The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]! ... Cash Payments
PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other. Peterson good-humoredly replied, I shall be much obli... Catching Him Up
AN Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age. ... Cause And Effect
SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; ... Cause And Effect
IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the cause of liberty, act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects. ... Cause Of Absence
WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?--Yes, my lord, replied Brougham, ... Certainly Not Asleep
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?--Pl... Challenging A Jury
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not acquit me ...