The Purser
LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he
did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is
carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his
time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be
provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually retained them
herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the
length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved,
that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains
for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, There was not such a purser
in the navy.
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The Majesty Of Mud
DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking w... The Measure Of A Brain
ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time. Yes, said Jerrold, drawing his finger round... The Medicine Must Be Of Use
SARAH, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one... The Mixture As Before
A GENTLEMAN who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have a bill, and found a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account, and questioned him about it. Please your honor, cried Pat, do read how many ... The Money-borrower Deceived
A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. No, sir, sai... The One Thing Wanting
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you want the brimstone;--she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark. ... The One-spur Horseman
A STUDENT riding being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the other would stay behind. [This is, no doubt, the original of the well-known passage in Hudibras,-- Fo... The Orators
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak; Is there a day that asses do not speak? ... The Philanthropist
JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he exclaimed, Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation. ... The Pigs And The Silver Spoon
THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking i... The Pink Of Politeness
LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine... The Plural Number
A BOY being asked what was the plural of penny, replied, with great promptness and simplicity, two-pence. ... The Poet Foiled
TO win the maid the poet tries, And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes, She likes a verse, but, cruel whim, She still appears a-verse to him. ... The Poets To Certain Critics
SAY, why erroneous vent your spite? Your censure, friends, will raise us; If you do wish to damn us quite, Only begin to praise us! ... The Polite Scholar
A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall. The scholar answered, But I do, sir; and so passed by him. ... The Prince Of Orange And Judge Jefferies
WHEN Jefferies was told that the Prince of Orange would very soon land, and that a manifesto, stating his inducements, objects, &c., was already written, Pray, my Lord Chief Justice, said a gentleman present, what do you think will be the heads of t... The Principle Of Governments
I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. We are come, said he, for your good--for all your goods.--A universal principle, added Swift, of all governments; but,... The Purser
LADY HARDWICKE, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took ca... The Railroad Engineer
THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector, Passes near your parish spire; Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture E'er will overwhelmed expire. Put not then your hopes in weepers, Solid work my road secures; Preach whate'er ... The Reason Why
A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it. ... The Reason Why
FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. Why, said he, the first know what they want, but the latter do not. ... The Rebel Lords
AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned! Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see... The Republic Of Learning
ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. Forsooth, quoth the other, because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them. ... The Republic Of Letters
HOOD suggests that the phrase republic of letters was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a sovereign amongst them. ... The Retort Cutting
BISHOPS SHERLOCK and HOADLY were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellenc... The Richmond Hoax
ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever Gilbert Gurney, is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring ... The Right Organ
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness? said the professor. The barrel-organ, interrupted an auditor. ... The Rising Son
POPE dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales, paid the prince many compliments. I wonder, Pope, said the prince, that you, who are so severe on kings, should be so complaisant to me.--It is, said the wily bard, because I like the lion before his ... The Rivals
A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personae were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impat... The Ruling Passion
IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. Did he kick the bucket, doctor? groaned out poor George. ... The Ruling Passion
THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a baker at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one... The Ruling Passion
A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, as it would make her hair gray! ... The Ruling Passion After Death
A DRUNKEN witness leaving the box, blurted out, My Lord, I never cared for anything but women and horseflesh! Mr. Justice Maule: Oh, you never cared for anything but women and horseflesh? Then I advise you to go home and make your will, or, if you h... The Ruling Passion Strong In Death
CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, That is rather surprising, as I have been practising all night. ...