BASEBALL
A run in time saves the nine.
Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good
whittler.--_Abe Martin_.
"Plague take that girl!"
"My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town."
"That may be. But she obstructs my view of second base."
When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools,
had to deal with a boy who played "hookey," she failed to impress him
with the evil of his ways.
"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to
play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.
"Yessum," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players
and pitch in the big leagues."
More
-
ATHLETES
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing on the desk of Mr. Billups. "That your boy, Billups?" he asked. "Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College." "Looks intellectual rather than athletic,"... ATTENTION
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation. To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board." Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three. He as... AUTHORS
The following is a recipe for an author: Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write. --_Life_. Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon... AUTOMOBILES
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six ... AUTOMOBILING
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." "Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tir... AVIATION
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again." "What's wrong?" asked her husband. "I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons... AVIATORS
Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. --_Satire_. "Are you an experienced aviator?" "Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_. ... BABIES
_See_ Children. ... BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family." VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon." ... BACTERIA
There once were some learned M.D.'s, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. "Well," said the firs... BADGES
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You wil... BAGGAGE
An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there an... BALDNESS
One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job. Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers wou... BANKS AND BANKING
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one ... BAPTISM
A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to sta... BAPTISTS
An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for his church travels he responded: "Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I co... BARGAINS
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out want?" SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking... BASEBALL
A run in time saves the nine. Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler.--_Abe Martin_. "Plague take that girl!" "My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town." "That may be. But she o... BATHS AND BATHING
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out. "Well, did you have a go... BAZARS
Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of his money. The thief, however, apparently suffered some pangs of r... BEARDS
There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard." ... BEAUTY
If eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being. --Emerson. A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness; but still will keep A bower quiet for us, a... BEAUTY, PERSONAL
In good looks I am not a star. There are others more lovely by far. But my face--I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it-- It's the people in front that I jar. "Shine yer boots, sir?" "No," snapped the man. "Shine 'em so's... BEDS
A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country. Upon his arrival at one of the small towns in South Dakota, where he was to make a speech the followin... BEER
A man to whom illness was chronic, When told that he needed a tonic, Said, "O Doctor dear, Won't you please make it beer?" "No, no," said the Doc., "that's Teutonic." ... BEES
TEACHER--"Tommy, do you know 'How Doth the Little Busy Bee'?" TOMMY--"No; I only know he doth it!" ... BEETLES
Now doth the frisky June Bug Bring forth his aeroplane, And try to make a record, And busticate his brain! He bings against the mirror, He bangs against the door, He caroms on the ceiling, And turtles on the floor! ... BEGGING
THE "ANGEL" (about to give a beggar a dime)--"Poor man! And are you married?" BEGGAR--"Pardon me, madam! D'ye think I'd be relyin' on total strangers for support if I had a wife?" MAN--"Is there any reason why I should give you five cents?"... BETTING
The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting. "I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly without waiting for the marker. I'll stake a box of cigars that ... BIBLE INTERPRETATION
"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess. "Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?" "Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets." "Mr. Preacher," said ... BIGAMY
There once was an old man of Lyme. Who married three wives at a time: When asked, "Why a third?" He replied, "One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime." ... BILLS
The proverb, "Where there's a will there's a way" is now revised to "When there's a bill we're away." YOUNG DOCTOR--"Why do you always ask your patients what they have for dinner?" OLD DOCTOR--"It's a most important question, for according ... BIRTHDAYS
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off. ... BLUFFING
Francis Wilson, the comedian, says that many years ago when he was a member of a company playing "She Stoops to Conquer," a man without any money, wishing to see the show, stepped up to the box-office in a small town and said: "Pass me in, plea...