ATHLETES
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing
on the desk of Mr. Billups.
"That your boy, Billups?" he asked.
"Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College."
"Looks intellectual rather than athletic," said the caller.
"Oh, he's an athlete all right," said Billups. "When it comes to running
up accounts, and jumping his board-bill, and lifting his voice, and
throwing a thirty-two pound bluff, there isn't a gladiator in creation
that can give my boy Tommie any kind of a handicap. He's just written
for an extra check."
"And as a proud father you are sending it, I don't doubt," smiled the
caller.
"Yes," grinned Billups; "I am sending him a rain-check I got at the
hall-game yesterday. As an athlete, he'll appreciate its
value."--_J.K.B_.
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ALTERNATIVES
_See_ Choices. ... ALTRUISM
WILLIE--"Pa!" PA--"Yes." WILLIE--"Teacher says we're here to help others." PA--"Of course we are." WILLIE--"Well, what are the others here for?" There was once a remarkably kind boy who was a great angler. There was a trout stream i... AMBITION
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than to force people to degrade themselves by laughter?" Yes, Herford ... AMERICAN GIRL
Here's to the dearest Of all things on earth. (Dearest precisely-- And yet of full worth.) One who lays siege to Susceptible hearts. (Pocket-books also-- That's one of her arts!) Drink to her, toast her, Your ba... AMERICANS
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Fi... AMUSEMENTS
A newspaper thus defined amusements: The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. ... ANATOMY
TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in every battle he fit in!" JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?" TOMMY--"About forty." They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon t... ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve ... ANGER
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down ... ANNIVERSARIES
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?" MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents." ... ANTIDOTES
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?" The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry beca... APPEARANCES
"How fat and well your little boy looks." "Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other." ... APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's deject... ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband: "This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop it?" "I'm afraid not," her husband answered. ... ARITHMETIC
"He seems to be very clever." "Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school." SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic." POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseb... ARMIES
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen. As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. Th... ARMY RATIONS
The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest effort. "What are you eating?" dema... ART
There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. The friend had dropped in to see D'A... ARTISTS
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" "Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher. "Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at... ATHLETES
The caller's eye had caught the photograph of Tommie Billups, standing on the desk of Mr. Billups. "That your boy, Billups?" he asked. "Yes," said Billups, "he's a sophomore up at Binkton College." "Looks intellectual rather than athletic,"... ATTENTION
The supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation. To the children he said, "Now, children, tell me a number to put on the board." Some child said, "Thirty-six." The supervisor wrote sixty-three. He as... AUTHORS
The following is a recipe for an author: Take the usual number of fingers, Add paper, manila or white, A typewriter, plenty of postage And something or other to write. --_Life_. Oscar Wilde, upon hearing one of Whistler's _bon... AUTOMOBILES
TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a thousand?" BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car." "How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway. "Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six ... AUTOMOBILING
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." "Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tir... AVIATION
The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again." "What's wrong?" asked her husband. "I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons... AVIATORS
Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. --_Satire_. "Are you an experienced aviator?" "Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I am all here."--_Life_. ... BABIES
_See_ Children. ... BACCALAUREATE SERMONS
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family." VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up to the baccalaureate sermon." ... BACTERIA
There once were some learned M.D.'s, Who captured some germs of disease, And infected a train Which, without causing pain, Allowed one to catch it with ease. Two doctors met in the hall of the hospital. "Well," said the firs... BADGES
Mrs. Philpots came panting downstairs on her way to the temperance society meeting. She was a short, plump woman. "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, the temperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. You wil... BAGGAGE
An Aberdonian went to spend a few days in London with his son, who had done exceptionally well in the great metropolis. After their first greetings at King's Cross Station, the young fellow remarked: "Feyther, you are not lookin' weel. Is there an... BALDNESS
One mother who still considers Marcel waves as the most fashionable way of dressing the hair was at work on the job. Her little eight-year-old girl was crouched on her father's lap, watching her mother. Every once in a while the baby fingers wou... BANKS AND BANKING
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand this, and insisted on money. The officers took him in hand, one ... BAPTISM
A revival was being held at a small colored Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to sta... BAPTISTS
An old colored man first joined the Episcopal Church, then the Methodist and next the Baptist, where he remained. Questioned as to the reason for his church travels he responded: "Well, suh, hit's this way: de 'Piscopals is gemmen, suh, but I co... BARGAINS
MANAGER (five-and-ten-cent store)--"What did the lady who just went out want?" SHOPGIRL--"She inquired if we had a shoe department." "Hades," said the lady who loves to shop, "would be a magnificent and endless bargain counter and I looking... BASEBALL
A run in time saves the nine. Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler.--_Abe Martin_. "Plague take that girl!" "My friend, that is the most beautiful girl in this town." "That may be. But she o... BATHS AND BATHING
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest when the latter was ready to check out. "Well, did you have a go...