HORSES
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two
dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a
five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it,
looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:
"Which horse do you want?"
A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his
horse. It would start, g
again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it
started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
"Is your horse sick?"
"Not as I knows of."
"Is he balky?"
"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that
he stops every once in a while to listen."
A German farmer was in search of a horse.
"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years
old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."
The German threw his hands skyward.
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und
mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."
There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.
The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his
master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill
and died.
"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next
morning.
"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.
"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my
horse?"
"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take
it out of my next Saturday's wages."
Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on
important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a
horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took
the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him:
"Keep this horse for funerals?"
"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.
"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't
get there in time for the resurrection."
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GOOD FELLOWSHIP
A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'ti... GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. Gossips are the spies of life. "However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" "I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other." ... GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?" "I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_. ... GOVERNORS
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast. Finally... GRAFT
"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remai... GRATITUDE
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a ... GREAT BRITAIN
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came th... GRIEF
Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car. "What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?" "No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit... GUARANTEES
TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?" GUARD--"Yes, sir." TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?" GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!" ... GUESTS
"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?" "Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, ... HABIT
Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter;... HADES
_See_ Future life. ... HAPPINESS
Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question: "The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afrai... HARNESSING
The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two. When they we... HARVARD UNIVERSITY
"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match factory." "That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_. ... HASH
"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?" "Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash." ... HASTE
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from th... HEALTH RESORTS
"Where've you been, Murray?" "To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great." "Then why did you come away?" "Oh, I got sick and had to come home." "Are you going back?" "You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough.... HEARING
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. "They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her mention 'a trained deer.'" "Goodness me!" laughed... HEAVEN
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas." "Well, what if I do? It won't hurt." "Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven." "Shuck... HEIRLOOMS
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?" SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only dates from the conques... HELL
_See_ Future life. ... HEREDITY
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?" "Something which descends from father to son." "Is a spanking hereditary?" William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spo... HEROES
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?" THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?" MR. SCRAP... HINTING
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you." "That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'" "Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me sa... HOME
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners. Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? ... HOMELINESS
_See_ Beauty, Personal. ... HOMESTEADS
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do." "Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The governmen... HONESTY
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill." VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?" PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wu... HONOR
In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: "All tickets, please!" Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the face... HOPE
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way." BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. ... HOPKINS BROS.
_Winifred C. Bristol_. Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. "How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage. "... HORSES
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and th... HOSPITALITY
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. As he stood on the doorstep the water f... HOSTS
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bri... HOTELS
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."--_Country Life_. ... HUNGER
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up... HUNTING
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to t... HURRY
See Haste. ... HUSBANDS
"Is she making him a good wife?" "Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband." A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between the... HYBRIDIZATION
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who ... HYPERBOLE
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I... HYPOCRISY
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham Charteris_. ... IDEALS
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one morning, was surprised at seeing an ostrich egg tied to one of the beams,... ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back home in two weeks as good as new." The patient went off gayly to w... IMAGINATION
One day a mother overheard her daughter arguing with a little boy about their respective ages. "I am older than you," he said, "'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and your's don't come till September." "Of course your birthday comes firs... IMITATION
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the b... INFANTS
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time." "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! Y... INQUISITIVENESS
_See_ Wives. ... INSANITY
_See_ Editors; Love. ... INSPIRATIONS
She was from Boston, and he was not. He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'" He fl... INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on. ... INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform. ... INSURANCE BLANKS
_See_ Irish bulls. ... INSURANCE, LIFE
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day. "Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" "No." "Do you, then, perhaps, fly?" "No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I... INSURGENTS
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?" "That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party." ... INTERVIEWS
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" "No," replied Senator Soghum. "But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" "Those were not my views. Those were my interviews." ... INVITATIONS
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitati... IRISH BULLS
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot th... IRISHMEN
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spar... IRREVERENCE
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. A few years ago Henry... JEWELS
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not... JEWS
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew ... JOKES
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. Burtscher_. JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week." BOGGS--"What luck did ...