HOPE
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's
death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same
way."
BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_.
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HEALTH RESORTS
"Where've you been, Murray?" "To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great." "Then why did you come away?" "Oh, I got sick and had to come home." "Are you going back?" "You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough.... HEARING
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. "They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her mention 'a trained deer.'" "Goodness me!" laughed... HEAVEN
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas." "Well, what if I do? It won't hurt." "Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven." "Shuck... HEIRLOOMS
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?" SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only dates from the conques... HELL
_See_ Future life. ... HEREDITY
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?" "Something which descends from father to son." "Is a spanking hereditary?" William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spo... HEROES
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?" THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?" MR. SCRAP... HINTING
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you." "That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'" "Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me sa... HOME
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners. Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? ... HOMELINESS
_See_ Beauty, Personal. ... HOMESTEADS
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do." "Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The governmen... HONESTY
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill." VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?" PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wu... HONOR
In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: "All tickets, please!" Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the face... HOPE
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way." BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. ... HOPKINS BROS.
_Winifred C. Bristol_. Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. "How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage. "... HORSES
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and th... HOSPITALITY
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. As he stood on the doorstep the water f... HOSTS
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bri... HOTELS
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."--_Country Life_. ... HUNGER
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up... HUNTING
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to t... HURRY
See Haste. ... HUSBANDS
"Is she making him a good wife?" "Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband." A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between the... HYBRIDIZATION
We used to think that the smartest man ever born was the Connecticut Yankee who grafted white birch on red maples and grew barber poles. Now we rank that gentleman second. First place goes to an experimenter attached to the Berlin War Office, who ... HYPERBOLE
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first season I planted 'em I thought my fortune was sure made. However, I... HYPOCRISY
Hypocrisy is all right if we can pass it off as politeness. TEACHER-"Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?" TOMMY-"A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."--_Graham Charteris_. ...