After Dinner Speeches
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"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving
smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why
didn't you have a pal?"
PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about
honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a
dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references
were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in
the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk
sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and
again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for
stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"
"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to
measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them
nearly two barrels short?"
"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own
"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's
The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.
"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time
producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I
A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy
little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter,
she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.
"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.
"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare
more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any,
mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a
seat, and don't see a single bit of it."
The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children
to pass in.
Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and
handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.
"What's this?" demanded the latter.
"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me
clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was
looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."
Random Joke Topics
Collecting Of Accounts
Friends, Society Of