HEARING
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had
overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.
"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her
mention 'a trained deer.'"
"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They
were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train,
dear.'"
"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking
about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could
be."
The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself
appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a
settlement.
"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one.
"I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it
rained here last night."
After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.--_W.J.
Lampton_.
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GLUTTONY
A clergyman was quite ill as a result of eating many pieces of mince pie. A brother minister visited him and asked him if he was afraid to die. "No," the sick man replied, "But I should be ashamed to die from eating too much." There was ... GOLF
Two Scotchmen met and exchanged the small talk appropriate to the hour. As they were parting to go supperward Sandy said to Jock: "Jock, mon, I'll go ye a roond on the links in the morrn'." "The morrn'?" Jock repeated. "Aye, mon, the morrn'... GOOD FELLOWSHIP
A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. May good humor preside when good fellows meet, And reason prescribe when'ti... GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. Gossips are the spies of life. "However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" "I gave them a choice bit of gossip and asked them not to repeat it to each other." ... GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP
"Don't you think the coal-mines ought to be controlled by the government?" "I might if I didn't know who controlled the government."--_Life_. ... GOVERNORS
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. She gazed at the Governor solemnly throughout the repast. Finally... GRAFT
"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the population to apologize constantly for not having money, and the remai... GRATITUDE
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a ... GREAT BRITAIN
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came th... GRIEF
Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car. "What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?" "No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that--I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit... GUARANTEES
TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?" GUARD--"Yes, sir." TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?" GUARD--"Yes, I'll take one with you!" ... GUESTS
"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?" "Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, ... HABIT
Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter;... HADES
_See_ Future life. ... HAPPINESS
Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question: "The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afrai... HARNESSING
The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two. When they we... HARVARD UNIVERSITY
"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match factory." "That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."--_C. Stratton_. ... HASH
"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?" "Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash." ... HASTE
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man--hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from th... HEALTH RESORTS
"Where've you been, Murray?" "To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great." "Then why did you come away?" "Oh, I got sick and had to come home." "Are you going back?" "You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough.... HEARING
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. "They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her mention 'a trained deer.'" "Goodness me!" laughed... HEAVEN
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas." "Well, what if I do? It won't hurt." "Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven." "Shuck... HEIRLOOMS
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?" SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"--(blushing)--"it only dates from the conques... HELL
_See_ Future life. ... HEREDITY
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?" "Something which descends from father to son." "Is a spanking hereditary?" William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spo... HEROES
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?" THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_. MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?" MR. SCRAP... HINTING
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you." "That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'" "Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me sa... HOME
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners. Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? ... HOMELINESS
_See_ Beauty, Personal. ... HOMESTEADS
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do." "Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The governmen... HONESTY
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill." VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?" PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wu... HONOR
In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried: "All tickets, please!" Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the face... HOPE
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way." BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone, have they?"--_Puck_. ... HOPKINS BROS.
_Winifred C. Bristol_. Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. "How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage. "... HORSES
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and th... HOSPITALITY
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door. As he stood on the doorstep the water f... HOSTS
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial, And your cordial which was welcome. Here's to the host and the hostess, We're honored to be here tonight; May they both live long and prosper, May their star of hope ever be bri... HOTELS
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."--_Country Life_. ... HUNGER
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up... HUNTING
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game. After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to t...