After Dinner Speeches
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Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching
tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion,
asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he
says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot that's on the ground to the side av
the foot that's in the air, an' remain motionless."
"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's
absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing
the same you will greatly oblige his mother."
An Irishman once was mounted on a mule which was kicking its legs rather
freely. The mule finally got its hoof caught in the stirrup, when the
Irishman excitedly remarked: "Well, begorra, if you're goin' to git on
I'll git off."
"The doctor says if 'e lasts till moring 'e'll 'ave some 'ope, but if 'e
don't, the doctor says 'e give 'im up."
For rent--A room for a gentleman with all conveniences.
A servant of an English nobleman died and her relatives telegraphed him:
"Jane died last night, and wishes to know if your lordship will pay her
A pretty school teacher, noticing one of her little charges idle, said
sharply: "John, the devil always finds something for idle hands to do.
Come up here and let me give you some work."
A college professor, noted for strict discipline, entered the classroom
one day and noticed a girl student sitting with her feet in the aisle
and chewing gum.
"Mary," exclaimed the indignant professor, "take that gum out of your
mouth and put your feet in."
MAGISTRATE--"You admit you stole the pig?"
PRISONER--"I 'ave to."
MAGISTRATE--"Very well, then. There has been a lot of pig-stealing going
on lately, and I am going to make an example of you, or none of us will
be safe."--_M.L. Hayward_.
"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath-school superintendent, "Gideon
did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down
to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the
"If you want to put that song over you must sing louder."
"I'm singing as loud as I can. What more can I do?"
"Be more enthusiastic. Open your mouth, and throw yourself into it."
A little old Irishman was trying to see the Hudson-Fulton procession
from Grant's Tomb. He stood up on a bench, but was jerked down by a
policeman. Then he tried the stone balustrade and being removed from
that vantage point, climbed the railing of Li Hung Chang's gingko-tree.
Pulled off that, he remarked: "Ye can't look at annything frum where ye
can see it frum."
MRS. JENKINS--"Mrs. Smith, we shall be neighbors now. I have bought a
house next you, with a water frontage."
MRS. SMITH--"So glad! I hope you will drop in some time."
In the hall of a Philharmonic society the following notice was posted:
"The seats in this hall are for the use of the ladies. Gentlemen are
requested to make use of them only after the former are seated."
Sir Boyle Roche is credited with saying that "no man can be in two
places at the same time, barring he is a bird."
A certain high-school professor, who at times is rather blunt in speech,
remarked to his class of boys at the beginning of a lesson. "I don't
know why it is--every time I get up to speak, some fool talks." Then he
wondered why the boys burst out into a roar of laughter.--_Grub S.
Once, at a criminal court, a young chap from Connemara was being tried
for an agrarian murder. Needless to say, he had the gallery on his side,
and the men and women began to express their admiration by stamping, not
loudly, but like muffled drums. A big policeman came up to the gallery,
scowled at the disturbers then, when that had no effect, called out in a
"Wud ye howld yer tongues there! Howld yer tongues wid yer feet!"
The ways in which application forms for insurance are filled up are
often more amusing than enlightening, as The British Medical Journal
shows in the following excellent selection of examples:
Mother died in infancy.
Father went to bed feeling well, and the next morning woke up dead.
Grandmother died suddenly at the age of 103. Up to this time she bade
fair to reach a ripe old age.
Applicant does not know anything about maternal posterity, except that
they died at an advanced age.
Applicant does not know cause of mother's death, but states that she
fully recovered from her last illness.
Applicant has never been fatally sick.
Applicant's brother who was an infant died when he was a mere child.
Mother's last illness was caused from chronic rheumatism, but she was
cured before death.
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