LAWYERS
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting
his bill.--_Puck_.
George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on
seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his
trousers' pockets, as was his habit and laughingly inquired of those
present:
"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a professional
humorist should be funny?"
When the laugh had subsided, Ade drawled out:
"Doesn't it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyer should
have his hands in his own pockets?"
A man was charged with stealing a horse, and after a long trial the jury
acquitted him. Later in the day the man came back and asked the judge
for a warrant against the lawyer who had successfully defended him.
"What's the charge?" inquired the judge.
"Why, Your Honor," replied the man, "you see, I didn't have the money to
pay him his fee, so he took the horse I stole."--_J.J. O'Connell_.
An elderly darky in Georgia, charged with the theft of some chickens,
had the misfortune to be defended by a young and inexperienced attorney,
although it is doubtful whether anyone could have secured his acquittal,
the commission of the crime having been proved beyond all doubt.
The darky received a pretty severe sentence. "Thank you, sah," said he
cheerfully, addressing the judge when the sentence had been pronounced.
"Dat's mighty hard, sah, but it ain't anywhere what I 'spected. I
thought, sah, dat between my character and dat speech of my lawyer dat
you'd hang me, shore!"
"You have a pretty tough looking lot of customers to dispose of this
morning, haven't you?" remarked the friend of a magistrate, who had
dropped in at the police court.
"Huh!" rejoined the dispenser of justice, "you are looking at the wrong
bunch. Those are the lawyers."
"Did youse git anyt'ing?" whispered the burglar on guard as his pal
emerged from the window.
"Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer," replied the other in
disgust.
"Dat's hard luck," said the first; "did youse lose anyt'ing?"
The dean of the Law Department was very busy and rather cross. The
telephone rang.
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
"Is that the city gas-works?" said a woman's soft voice.
"No, madam," roared the dean; "this is the University Law Department."
"Ah," she answered in the sweetest of tones, "I didn't miss it so far,
after all, did I?"--_Carl Holliday_.
A lawyer cross-examining a witness, asked him where he was on a
particular day; to which he replied that he had been in the company of
two friends. "Friends.'" exclaimed his tormentor; "two thieves, I
suppose." "They may be so," replied the witness, dryly, "for they are
both lawyers."
An impecunious young lawyer recently received the following letter from
a tailor to whom he was indebted:
"Dear Sir: Kindly advise me by return mail when I may expect a
remittance from you in settlement of my account.
Yours truly,
More
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IMITATION
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. One afternoon, during a pause in the rehearsal, a voice from the b... INFANTS
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time." "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights." "Is the baby strong?" "Well, rather! Y... INQUISITIVENESS
_See_ Wives. ... INSANITY
_See_ Editors; Love. ... INSPIRATIONS
She was from Boston, and he was not. He had spent a harrowing evening discussing authors of whom he knew nothing, and their books, of which he knew less. Presently the maiden asked archly: "Of course, you've read 'Romeo and Juliet?'" He fl... INSTALMENT PLAN
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on. ... INSTRUCTIONS
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, puffed for a moment, and then turned to the young man in uniform. ... INSURANCE BLANKS
_See_ Irish bulls. ... INSURANCE, LIFE
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day. "Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked. "No," said the man. "Do you motor?" "No." "Do you, then, perhaps, fly?" "No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I... INSURGENTS
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?" "That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party." ... INTERVIEWS
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" "No," replied Senator Soghum. "But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" "Those were not my views. Those were my interviews." ... INVITATIONS
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitati... IRISH BULLS
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!" "Why," said Mike, "when he says 'Halt,' you just bring the foot th... IRISHMEN
A Peoria merchant deals in "Irish confetti." We take it that he runs a brick-yard.--_Chicago Tribune_. Here are some words, concerning the Hibernian spoken by a New England preacher, Nathaniel Ward, in the sober year of sixteen hundred--a spar... IRREVERENCE
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. A few years ago Henry... JEWELS
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from the Emerald Isle. All these we like, but not... JEWS
What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bowed spectacles he peered inquisitively at the little oily Jew ... JOKES
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. Burtscher_. JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes ready and sent them out last week." BOGGS--"What luck did ... JOURNALISM
A Louisville journalist was excessively proud of his little boy. Turning to the old black nurse, "Aunty," said he, stroking the little pate, "this boy seems to have a journalistic head." "Oh," cried the untutored old aunty, soothingly, "never you ... JUDGES
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter. "What does he say?" demanded his lordship. "Nothing, my lord," was the reply. "Ho... JUDGMENT
HUSBAND--"But you must admit that men have better judgment than women." WIFE--"Oh, yes--you married me, and I you."--_Life_. ... JURY
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk into the dock. There was recently haled into an Alabama court a li... JUSTICE
There are two sides to every question-the wrong side and our side. "What, Tommy, in the jam again, and you whipped for it only an hour ago!" "Yes'm, but I heard you tell Auntie that you thought you whipped me too hard, so I thought I'd just... JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department-store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?" ... KENTUCKY
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws. ... KINDNESS
Kindness goes a long ways lots o' times when it ought t' stay at home.--_Abe Martin_. An old couple came in from the country, with a big basket of lunch, to see the circus. The lunch was heavy. The old wife was carrying it. As they crossed a ... KINGS AND RULERS
"I think," said the heir apparent, "that I will add music and dancing to my accomplishments." "Aren't they rather light?" "They may seem so to you, but they will be very handy if a revolution occurs and I have to go into vaudeville." The... KISSES
Here's to a kiss: Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score, Then to that twenty add a hundred more; A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on, To make that thousand quite a million, Treble that million, and when that is done ... KNOWLEDGE
A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick." The man... KULTUR
HERR HAMMERSCHLEGEL (winding up the argument)--"I think you iss a stupid fool!" MONSIEUR--"And I sink you a polite gentleman; but possible, is it, we both mistaken."--_Life_. ... LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. "What'll ye pay?" asked Si. "I'll pay you what you're worth," answered the farmer. Si scratched his hea... LADIES
_See_ Etiquet; Woman. ... LANDLORDS
An English tourist was sightseeing in Ireland and the guide had pointed out the Devil's Gap, the Devil's Peak, and the Devil's Leap to him. "Pat," he said, "the devil seems to have a great deal of property in this district!" "He has, sir," re... LANGUAGES
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward that although he had spent years in studying Arabic in preparation fo... LAUGHTER
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted." Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep, and the laugh's on you. About the best and finest th... LAW
_See_ Punishment. ... LAWYERS
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.--_Puck_. George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on seating himself a well-known lawyer rose, shoved his hands deep into his trousers' ... LAZINESS
A tourist in the mountains of Tennessee once had dinner with a querulous old mountaineer who yarned about hard times for fifteen minutes at a stretch. "Why, man," said the tourist, "you ought to be able to make lots of money shipping green corn... LEAP YEAR
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked: "George, as it is leap year--" The caller turned pale. "As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, ... LEGISLATORS
Thomas B. Reed was one of the Legislative Committee sent to inspect an insane asylum. There was a dance on the night the committee spent in the investigation, and Mr. Reed took for a partner one of the fair unfortunates to whom he was introduced. ... LIARS
There are three kinds of liars: 1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. 2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful study of human nature. If you don't put him in jail, he will find out tha... LIBERTY
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like. A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. --_Addison_. Where liberty dwells, there is my country.... LIBRARIANS
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians." The modern librarian is a genius. All the proof needed is the st... LIFE
Life's an aquatic meet--some swim, some dive, some back water, some float and the rest--sink. I count life just a stuff To try the soul's strength on. --_Robert Browning_. May you live as long as you like, And have what you ... LISPING
"Have you lost another tooth, Bethesda?" asked auntie, who noticed an unusual lisp. "Yes'm," replied the four-year-old, "and I limp now when I talk." ... LIVING
_See_ Cost of living. ... LOST AND FOUND
"I ain't losing any faith in human nature," said Uncle Eben, "but I kain't he'p noticin' dat dere's allus a heap mo' ahticles advertised 'Lost' dan dar is 'Found.'" "What were you in for?" asked the friend. "I found a horse." "Found a ho... LOVE
Love is an insane desire on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board-bill for life. MR. SLIMPURSE--"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?" MRS. SLIMPURSE--"Yes... LOYALTY
Jenkins, a newly wedded suburbanite, kissed his wife goodby the other morning, and, telling her he would be home at six o'clock that evening, got into his auto and started for town. At six o'clock no hubby had appeared, and the little wife began... LUCK
Some people are so fond of ill-luck that they run half-way to meet it.--_Douglas Jerrold_. O, once in each man's life, at least, Good luck knocks at his door; And wit to seize the flitting guest Need never hunger more. But whi... MAINE
The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different states were called. "Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michi... MAKING GOOD
"What's become ob dat little chameleon Mandy had?" inquired Rufus. "Oh, de fool chile done lost him," replied Zeke. "She wuz playin' wif him one day, puttin' him on red to see him turn red, an' on blue to see him turn blue, an' on green to see h... MALARIA
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and proceeded to ask the usual questions. "It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific interest, "that the attacks of fever and the chills appear on alternate d... MARKS(WO)MANSHIP
An Irishman who, with his wife, is employed on a truck-farm in New Jersey, recently found himself in a bad predicament, when, in attempting to evade the onslaughts of a savage dog, assistance came in the shape of his wife. When the woman came u... MARRIAGE
MRS. QUACKENNESS--"Am yo' daughtar happily mar'd, Sistah Sagg?" MRS. SAGG--"She sho' is! Bless goodness she's done got a husband dat's skeered to death of her!" "Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and... MARRIAGE FEES
A poor couple who went to the priest to be wedded were met with a demand for the marriage fee. It was not forth-coming. Both the consenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, but destitute of financial resources. The father was obdu... MATHEMATICS
_See_ Arithmetic. ... MATRIMONY
_See_ Marriage. ... MEASURING INSTRUMENTS
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street. "What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. "Well," explained the thin one, drawing a deep breath, "over to Brother Sm... MEDICAL INSPECTION OF SCHOOLS
PASSER-BY--"What's the fuss in the schoolyard, boy?" THE BOY--"Why, the doctor has just been around examinin' us an' one of the deficient boys is knockin' th' everlastin' stuffin's out of a perfect kid." ... MEDICINE
The farmer's mule had just balked in the road when the country doctor came by. The farmer asked the physician if he could give him something to start the mule. The doctor said he could, and, reaching down into his medicine case, gave the animal so... MEEKNESS
One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were sp... MEMORIALS
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mandy; but when I dies I don't want no flowers on my grave. Jes' plant... MEMORY
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I mistaken?" "No, sah," said Uncle Mose. "I uster 'member seein' him... MEN
Here's to the men! God bless them! Worst of me sins, I confess them! In loving them all; be they great or small, So here's to the boys! God bless them! May all single men be married, And all married men be happy. "Wh... MESSAGES
"Have you the rent ready?" "No, sir; mother's gone out washing and forgot to put it out for you." "Did she tell you she'd forgotten?" "Yes, sir." One of the passengers on a wreck was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in t... METAPHOR
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled its glove into the teeth of the advancing wave that is sounding the... MICE
"What's the matter with Briggs?" "He was getting shaved by a lady barber when a mouse ran across the floor."--_Life_. ... MIDDLE CLASSES
WILLIE--"Paw, what is the middle class?" PAW--"The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything." ... MILITANTS
_See_ Suffragettes. ... MILITARY DISCIPLINE
Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry. He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop. "Remember," said the sergeant, "no one is allowed to dismount without orders." Murphy was no sooner in t... MILLINERS
Recipe for a milliner: To a presence that's much more than queenly, Add a manner that's quite Vere de Vere; You feel like a worm in her sight when she says, "Only $300, my dear!" --_Life_. ...