Dead Certainty
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission
sympathetically.
"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.
"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
The hanging ain't till Friday."
More
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Compliments
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past. "Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter. The bachelor retorted with icy disdain: ... Concealment
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. S... Conceit
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble. "Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues." ... Conditional
_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter." _Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back." ... Conscience
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you." "It's... Conservative
He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted. A doz... Constancy
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness: "I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my lips, that I--love... Conversion
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil ... Cookery
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten... Couldn't Resist It
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?" "I have," responded the butcher. "And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?" "It is."... Courtesy
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him: "Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches." The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said: "Good-morning, gentlem... Cowardice
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly: "Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?" "That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile." It was thus that the a... Curiosity
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl... Damages
The child came to his mother in tears. "Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth." "Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?" "I was pounding it with father's watch?" ... Danger
One foot in the grave, and the other slipping. ... Dead Certainty
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically. "But you're not wearing... Dead Men's Shoes
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking: "Would you object to my t... Deafness
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him: "The show is very good, don't you think?" The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied: "Me, I always ta... Declined With Thanks
Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.... Dedication
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly: "I never thought of that. As soon as you are g... Definition
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request. "A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other." ... Degrees In Degradation
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter. "My God!" he whispered. "... Delay
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munchi... Denied The Privilege
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?" _The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys." _The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?" * * * ... Devil
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and... Diet
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested: "But fish ... Digestion
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous. "Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutn... Diplomacy
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?" "Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?" "No, I'm going about to see if I've ov... Dirt
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner: "Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!" * * ... Discipline
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent. "Then you better get busy, ma. You mak...