SENATORS
A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something
worse.
"You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?"
said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions.
"Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghum, blandly; "I think I have
participated in some of the richest hauls that legislation ever made."
An aviator alighted on a field and said to a rather well-dressed
individual: "Here, mind my machine a minute, will you?"
"What?" the well-dressed individual snarled. "Me mind your machine? Why,
I'm a United States Senator!"
"Well, what of it?" said the aviator. "I'll trust you."
More
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REWARDS
Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature." And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher. ... RHEUMATISM
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know." MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance. What do ye s'pose th' Lord has given ye th' rheumatis for?"--_Ti... ROADS
A Yankee just returning to the states was dining with an Englishman, and the latter complained of the mud in America. "Yes," said the American, "but it's nothing to the mud over here." "Nonsense!" said the Englishman. "Fact," the American r... ROASTS
As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warming himself and watching Faversham eat. At length, unable to endure i... ROOSEVELT, THEODORE
A delegation from Kansas visited Theodore Roosevelt at Oyster Bay some years ago, while he was president. The host met them with coat and collar off, mopping his brow. "Ah, gentlemen," he said, "dee-lighted to see you. Dee-lighted. But I'm very... SALARIES
A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes." "Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe cou... SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP
A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads: Watermelons Our choice 25 cents. Your choice 35 cents. --_Elgin Burroughs_. The quick wit of a traveling salesman who has since become a well-known... SALOONS
"Where can I get a drink in this town?" asked a traveling man who landed at a little town in the oil region of Oklahoma, of the 'bus driver. "See that millinery shop over there?" asked the driver, pointing to a building near the depot. "You d... SALVATION
WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they die." GILLIS--"I don't know but that they stand as much chance as some of these other rich fellows who ... SAVING
Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your heirs.--_Puck_. "Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?" "Oh, no! I never shop when it rains." JOHNNY--"Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?" PAPA... SCANDAL
An ill wind that blows nobody good. ... SCHOLARSHIP
There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to the head of his class. But the old gentleman was not satisfied. "_... SCHOOLS
"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well." "That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?" "In school, mamma." ... SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT
The late Sylvanus Miller, civil engineer, who was engaged in railroad enterprise in Central America, was seeking local support for a road and attempted to give the matter point. He asked a native: "How long does it take you to carry your goods t... SCOTCH, THE
A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days. It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man prohibits the... SEASICKNESS
A Philadelphian, on his way to Europe, was experiencing seasickness for the first time. Calling his wife to his bedside, he said in a weak voice: "Jennie, my will is in the Commercial Trust Company's care. Everything is left to you, dear. My vario... SEASONS
There was a young fellow named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twould have been a sad thing If he'd died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall. ... SENATORS
A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something worse. "You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?" said the young woman who asks all sorts of questions. "Yes, miss," answered Senator Sorghu... SENSE OF HUMOR
"What of his sense of humor?" "Well, he has to see a joke twice before he sees it once." --_Richard Kirk_. "A sense of humor is a help and a blessing through life," says Rear Admiral Buhler. "But even a sense of humor may exist in exc... SENTRIES
_See_ Armies. ... SERMONS
_See_ Preaching. ... SERVANTS
TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone to-morrow?" POP--"Probably the cook, my son." As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well, how did you like the piece, my dear?" asked the fond husban... SHOPPING
CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her." EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy." CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!" ... SHYNESS
The late "lan Maclaren" (Dr. John Watson) once told this story on himself to some friends: "I was coming over on the steamer to America, when one day I went into the library to do some literary work. I was very busy and looked so, I suppose. I ... SIGNS
When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott & Bro." Later the partnership was dissolved. The future senator packed his few assets, including the s... SILENCE
A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_. BALL-"What is silence?" HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience." The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was playing a closely contested game of golf. He carefully ... SIN
Man-like is it to fall into sin, Fiend-like is it to dwell therein, Christ-like is it for sin to grieve, God-like is it all sin to leave. --_Friedrich von Logan_. "Now," said the clergyman to the Sunday-school class, "can any of ... SINGERS
As the celebrated soprano began to sing, little Johnnie became greatly exercised over the gesticulations of the orchestra conductor. "What's that man shaking his stick at her for?" he demanded indignantly. "Sh-h! He's not shaking his stick at ... SKATING
A young lady entered a crowded car with a pair of skates slung over her arm. An elderly gentleman arose to give her his seat. "Thank you very much, sir," she said, "but I've been skating all afternoon, and I'm tired of sitting down." ... SKYSCRAPERS
_See_ Buildings. ... SLEEP
Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure. "Eat a pint of peanuts and drink two or three glasses of milk before going to bed," said he, "and I'll warrant you'll be asleep within half an hour." I did... SMILES
There was a young lady of Niger, Who went for a ride on a tiger; They returned from the ride With the lady inside, And a smile on the face of the tiger. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. ... SMOKING
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard Kipling_. AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets?" HAROLD (calmly)--"She'd have a fit. They're her cigarets." ... SNEEZING
While campaigning in Iowa Speaker Cannon was once inveigled into visiting the public schools of a town where he was billed to speak. In one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher called upon a youthful Demosthenes to entertain the distinguished ...