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AMERICANS
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Fi...
AMUSEMENTS
A newspaper thus defined amusements: The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements. ...
ANATOMY
TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in every battle he fit in!" JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?" TOMMY--"About forty." They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first Napoleon t...
ANCESTRY
A western buyer is inordinately proud of the fact that one of his ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. At the time the salesman called, the buyer was signing a number of checks and affixed his signature with many a curve ...
ANGER
Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath." "Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down ...
ANNIVERSARIES
MRS. JONES--"Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?" MRS. SMITH--"No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents." ...
ANTIDOTES
"Suppose," asked the professor in chemistry, "that you were summoned to the side of a patient who had accidentally swallowed a heavy dose of oxalic acid, what would you administer?" The student who, studying for the ministry, took chemistry beca...
APPEARANCES
"How fat and well your little boy looks." "Ah, you should never judge from appearances. He's got a gumboil on one side of his face and he has been stung by a wasp on the other." ...
APPLAUSE
A certain theatrical troupe, after a dreary and unsuccessful tour, finally arrived in a small New Jersey town. That night, though there was no furore or general uprising of the audience, there was enough hand-clapping to arouse the troupe's deject...
ARBITRATION INTERNATIONAL
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband: "This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing he done to stop it?" "I'm afraid not," her husband answered. ...
ARITHMETIC
"He seems to be very clever." "Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school." SONNY--"Aw, pop, I don't wanter study arithmetic." POP--"What! a son of mine grow up and not he able to figure up baseb...
ARMIES
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen. As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undress uniform. Th...
ARMY RATIONS
The colonel of a volunteer regiment camping in Virginia came across a private on the outskirts of the camp, painfully munching on something. His face was wry and his lips seemed to move only with the greatest effort. "What are you eating?" dema...
ART
There was an old sculptor named Phidias, Whose knowledge of Art was invidious. He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie-- Which startled the purely fastidious. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. The friend had dropped in to see D'A...
ARTISTS
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" "Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made philosopher. "Yes," replied Mr. Cumrox. "I'd rather be back at...
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