Nightmare
"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
inquired. "What is it?"
The suffering man answered:
"I dream that I'm married."
"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"
"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
nightmare."
The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.
More
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Money Value
A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various viands, and did not hesitate to give thei... Monogamy
The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary: "And you never let your husband beat you?" "Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to try such a thing!" The oldest wife nodded understandingly. ... Monotony
The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully. "I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?" "Why, dear, do you want one?" The child nodded seriously. "Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat." ... Morality
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower. "The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it.... More Desperate Still
_She:_ "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage." _He:_ "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements." * * * ... More Opportunity
_The Wife:_ "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are." _The Husband:_ "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with." * * ... Mosquitoes
The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat peeved. "Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened." "No," the host snapped; "we're using... Motto
Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon, in the window of which was a framed sign, reading: "_Ici on parle français_." "I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the observers remarked. To se... Music
Artemas Ward said: "When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me." * * * The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants where music was provided. "Because it works tw... Native Born
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour." "Your head?" "Yes, yer honour." "Why don't you speak the English language?" "I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life." * * * ... Natural Deduction
"The man that argues with a woman is a fool," said Mr. Gadspur. "I agree with you," said Mr. Twobble. "And if he expects to have the last word he's an even bigger fool." "Quite so, quite so. What did you and the 'Missus' quarrel about this mo... Neatness
The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which he lived. In the autumn, the janitor plac... Neighbors
It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the eminent basso to sing. "It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your neighbors." "Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our dog last ... Nerves
The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly tucked in, the little one commented: "It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you." ... Never Miss One
_Elder sister:_ "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two." _Younger sister:_ "No doubt--and never miss them." * * * ... Nice
She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on. "We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by cheque." "What do you mean by joint ... Nightmare
"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor inquired. "What is it?" The suffering man answered: "I dream that I'm married." "Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?" "To my wife," the patient explaine... No Dissension
_Mrs. Storme:_ "How is your Debating Society getting along?" _Mrs. Karn:_ "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully." * * * "Why are they not speaking?" "They quarreled about wh... No Doubt
"Lend me ten, Tom." "I think not." "You won't?" "I won't." "You've no doubt of my character, have you?" "I haven't." "Well, why won't you, then?" "Because I have no doubt of your character." * *... No Effect
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on." *... No Kick Coming
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents. _Agent:_ Well, isn't that proof that you've had a burglar? * ... No Nonsense About It
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort ... Nomenclature
The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he described it with enthusiasm, except in on... None At All
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off. "Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey." "Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A' my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither." "That's strange! Your mith... Not A Father
A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys. "Good morning, Father," said one of the boys. "Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two... Not In The Business
"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?" "No, madam. We only do one week's washing." * * * ... Not Needed
_O'Grady:_ "And why do you want to sell your nightshirt?" _Pat:_ "Shure, and what good is it to me now whin oive me new job av night watchman an' slape in the day toimes?" * * * ... Not Restricted
"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker." "Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?" * * * _John:_ "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket." _Mirandy:_ "Daon't y... Not Strong Enough
Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake. "Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice." "Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "i... Not Unique
_He:_ "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush." _She:_ "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing." * * * ... Not Up-to-date
_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?" _Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day." * * * "Some wise person once said that silence was golden,... Not What She Meant
_She:_ "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?" _He:_ "Oh, they seem to be _quite_ reconciled." * * * _He:_ "By the bye, talking of old times, do y...