The Gloomy Guest
Cause And Effect
What He Preferred
The Floor Held
Random Stories Jokes
Why He Picked Pictish
Stories Jokes Home
The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:
"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"
* * *
When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
her critically, and then demanded:
"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"
"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
stripped for 'gym.'"
The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:
"Who in thunder is Jim?"
* * *
On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the
mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
often wondered--what are Keats!"
* * *
During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
after the following episode.
A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:
"Where are your sideboards?"
The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:
"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."
* * *
The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"
* * *
One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.
"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."
* * *
A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.
"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"
"Nope, never heard of him."
"Nor _Huck Finn_?"
"Nope, never heard of him neither."
"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"
"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."
And then he added sadly:
"An' that's all the good it done me."
* * *
The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
was uncertain as to just what he was:
"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
he says I'm the sacrilege."