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_The Client:_ "I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered they
were empty."

_The Lawyer:_ "Well, what do you expect?"

_The Client:_ "Full of booze. Isn't that what f. o. b. means?"

* * *

During a conversation between an Irishman and a Jew, the Irishman asked
how it was that the Jews were so wise.

"Because," said the Jew, "we eat a certain kind of fish;" and he offered
to sell one for ten dollars.

After paying his money, the Irishman received a small dried fish. He bit
into it, then exclaimed: "Why, this is only a smoked herring."

"See?" said the Jew. "You are getting wise already."

* * *

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and
would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little
money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary,
twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000
when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I
shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will
have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked,
"You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

* * *

"Mary," said the mistress, "did you ask every one for cards to-day, as I
told you, when they called?"

"Yes'm. One fellow he wouldn't give me no card, but I swiped his hat an'
shoved him off th' steps. Here's his name on th' sweat band."

* * *

"He proposed to me last night, mother. What shall I do?"

"But, my dear daughter, you've only known him three weeks."

"I know that, mother, but on the other hand if I delay in accepting him
he might find out some things about me he won't like, too."

* * *

"Would you marry a man to reform him?"

"What does he do?"

"He drinks."

"Marry him, girlie, and find out where he gets it. We need him badly in
our set."

* * *

"I would like to have a globe of the earth."

"What size, madam?"

"Life-size, of course."

* * *

_Wife:_ "George, is that you?"

_George:_ "Why certainly! Who else you 'shpecting at this timernight?"

* * *

_She_ (_tenderly_): "And are mine the only lips you have kissed?"

_He:_ "Yes, and they are the sweetest of all."

* * *

_Jazz:_ "My girl told me she weighed 120 the other night."

_Beau:_ "Stripped?"

_Jazz:_ "Yeh; she was in an evening gown."

* * *

_Mrs. Newlywed_ (_on her first day's shopping_): "I want two pieces of
steak and--and about half a pint of gravy."

* * *

_Farmer:_ "Would you like to buy a jug of cider?"

_Tourist:_ "Well--er--is it ambitious and willing to work?"

* * *

_Papa:_ "Why did you permit young Gaybird to kiss you in the parlor last
night?"

_Daughter:_ "Because I was afraid he'd catch cold in the hall."

* * *

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

* * *

_Interviewer:_ "What sort of girls make the best show-girls?"

_Stage Manager:_ "Those who have the most to show, of course."

* * *

_She:_ "What do you mean by kissing me? What do you mean?"

_He:_ "Er--er--nothing."

_She:_ "Then don't you dare do it again. I won't have any man kissing me
unless he means business, d'ye hear?"

* * *

_Foreman:_ "'Ow is it that little feller always carries two planks to
your one?"

_Laborer:_ "'Cos 'e's too blinkin' lazy to go back fer the other one."

* * *

_Lady_ (_in box_): "Can you look over my shoulders?"

_Sailor:_ "I've just been looking over both of them, an' by gosh they
are great."

* * *

"How times have changed!"

"Yes?"

"Imagine Rosa Bonheur painting a flock of Ford tractors."

* * *

_Sailor Bill:_ "These New York gals seem to be wearin' sort o' light
canvas."

_Sailor Dan:_ "Yes--you seldom see a full-rigged skirt, or anything."

* * *

_Tramp:_ "Would you please 'elp a pore man whose wife is out o' work?"

* * *

"I 'ear your 'usband 'as turned Bolshie."

"Well, not absolootly; but 'e 'as a lenin' that way."

* * *

A popular Oklahoma City salesman recently married, and was accompanied
by his wife as he entered the dining-room of a Texas hotel famed for its
excellent cuisine. His order was served promptly, but the fried chicken
he had been telling his wife so much about was not in evidence.

"Where is my chicken?" he asked somewhat irritably.

The dusky waiter, leaning over and bringing his mouth in close proximity
to the salesman's ear, replied:

"Ef youse mean de li'l gal with blue eyes an' fluffy hair, she doan'
wo'k heah no mo'."

* * *

"Do you really believe in heredity?"

"Most certainly I do. That is how I came into all my money."

* * *

An attorney of Los Angeles advertised for a chauffeur. Some twenty-odd
responded and were being questioned as to qualifications, efficiency,
and whether married or single. Finally, turning to a negro chap, he
said:

"How about you, George, are you married?"

Quickly the negro responded: "Naw-sir, boss, naw-sir. Ah makes mah own
livin'."

* * *

A boy and his mother were taking in the circus. Looking at the
hippopotamus, he said: "Ma, ain't that the ugliest damn thing you ever
saw?"

"Bill," said his ma, "didn't I tell you never to say 'ain't.'"

* * *

"Vell, Ikey, my poy," said Sol to his son, "I've made my vill and left
it all to you."

"That's very good of you, father," remarked Ike, eyeing him
suspiciously. "But, bless you, it cost a lot of money for the lawyer and
fees and things!"

"Vell?" said Ike more suspiciously. "Vell, it ain't fair I should pay
all dot, is it? So I'll shust take it off from your next month's
salary."

* * *

_Mr. McNab_ (_after having his lease read over to him_): "I will not
sign that; I have na' been able tae keep Ten Commandments for a mansion
in Heaven, an' I'm no' gaun tae tackle about a hundred for twa rooms in
the High Street."

* * *

"Come, Dorothy," said her father impatiently, "throw your doll on the
bed and hurry or we shall be late."

"Daddy, how can you?" reproved the child. "I isn't' that kind of a
muvver."

* * *

"You say you doted on your last mistress?"

"Yes, mum. I certainly did."

"Then why did you leave her?"

"We couldn't continue to be friends on my wages, mum."

* * *

"What's the matter with Smith? Got lumbago or spinal curvature or
something?"

"No; he has to walk that way to fit some shirts his wife made for him."

* * *

"James, have you whispered to-day without permission?"

"Only wunst."

"Leroy, should James have said wunst?"

"No'm; he should have said twict."

* * *

"It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that you
have already been convicted thirty-five times of stealing."

"I guess that's right, your honor," answered Mary. "No woman is
perfect."

* * *

"That you, dearie? I'm detained at the office on very important business
and I may not be home until late. Don't sit up for me."

"I won't, dearie. You'll come home as early as you can, won't you? And
John, dear----"

"Yes; what is it?"

"Please don't draw to any inside straights."

* * *

_The City Nephew:_ "I'm glad to see Aunt Hetty dresses her hair sensibly
instead of wearing those silly puffs over the ears."

_Uncle Talltimber:_ "She tried 'em once an' they got tangled up with the
telephone receiver an' she missed more'n half the gossip goin' on over
our twenty-party line."

* * *

"Ethel," said the bishop, "you seem to be a bright little girl; can you
repeat a verse from the Bible?"

"I'll say I can."

"Well, my dear, let us have it."

"The Lord is my shepherd--I should worry."

* * *

Wishing to give his Scotch steward a treat a man invited him to London,
and on the night after his arrival took him to a hotel to dine. During
the early part of the dinner the steward was noticed to help himself
very liberally to the champagne, glass after glass of the wine
disappearing. Still he seemed very downhearted and morose. Presently he
was heard to remark, "Well, I hope they'll not be very long wi' the
whisky, as I dinna get on verra weel wi' these mineral waters."

* * *

An astronomer was entertaining a Scotch friend. He showed his visitor
the moon through a telescope and asked him what he thought of the
satellite.

"It's a' richt," replied the Scot, who was an enthusiastic golfer, "but
it's awfu' fu' o' bunkers."

* * *

"What are you doing, Marjory?"

"I'se writing a letter to Lily Smif."

"But, darling, you don't know how to write."

"That's no diff'ence, mamma; Lily don't know how to read."

* * *

"What sort of an appearing man is he?"

"Little dried-up feller," replied the gaunt Missourian, "that looks like
he always ett at the second table."

* * *

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."

"No, her husband has lost his hearing."

* * *

Two darky boys in a Southern city met on the street, each wearing a new
suit. One asked:

"Nigger, how much do they set you back for dem clo's?"

"Fo'ty dollahs," was the response.

"Fo'ty dollahs?"

"Yes, sah; fo'ty dollahs."

"Look at me," said the first. "I'se got on a suit w'at's mos' perzactly
like yourn, and I don't pay but ten dollahs fuh mine. Somebody shore
flimflammed you."

* * *

The possessor of the forty-dollar suit took hold of one of the coat
sleeves of the ten-dollar suit and pulled on it. It stretched. Then
straightening up he said:

"See here, boy, the fust big rain yo' gets ketched out in dat coat of
yourn is gwine to say, 'Good-by, nigger, f'om now on I'se gwine to be
yo' vest.'"

* * *

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"

"How old are you now?"

"Forty."

"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"

"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I haven't
any vices."

"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

* * *

"I say, Madge, it's bitterly cold. Hadn't you better put something on
your chest?"

"Don't worry, old thing. I've powdered it three times."

* * *

_Father:_ "Well, son, you certainly made a fool of yourself! That girl
robbed you of every cent you had."

_Son:_ "Well, dad, you have to hand it to me for picking them clever."






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