TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat
bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he
did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his
feet. At last an extra big wave washed over his shoe tops.
"Hey, there!" he yelled at the fair, fat bather. "Quit yer jumpin' up
and down! D'ye want to drown me?"
At a
were viewing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.
"Say, cap'n," said one of them, "what ought I to carry home to the
children for a souvenir?"
"Why, colonel, it strikes me that some of this here ocean water would be
right interestin'."
"Just the thing!" exclaimed the colonel delightedly. From a rear pocket
he produced a flask, and, with the aid of the captain, soon emptied it.
Then, picking his way down to the water's edge, he filled it to the neck
and replaced the cork.
"Hi, there! Don't do that!" cried the captain in great alarm. "Pour out
about a third of that water. If you don't, when the tide rises she'll
bust sure."
Nae man can tether time or tide.--_Burns_.
More
-
SYMPATHY
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who presently staggered along the car between two rows of well-dres... SYNONYMS
"I don't believe any two words in the English language are synonymous." "Oh, I don't know. What's the matter with 'raise' and 'lift'?" "There's a big difference. I 'raise' chickens and have a neighbor who has been known to 'lift' them." ... TABLE MANNERS
_See_ Dining. ... TACT
It was at the private theatricals, and the young man wished to compliment his hostess, saying: "Madam, you played your part splendidly. It fits you to perfection." "I'm afraid not. A young and pretty woman is needed for that part," said the s... TAFT, WILLIAM HOWARD
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as he walked about in his room the unsubstantial little house fairly sh... TALENT
_See_ Actors and actresses. ... TALKERS
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the performance--to Mr. Clemens's increasing irritation. Toward the en... TARDINESS
"You'll be late for supper, sonny," said the merchant, in passing a small boy who was carrying a package. "No, I won't," was the reply. "I've dot de meat."--_Mabel Long_. "How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this mor... TARIFF
Why not have an illuminated sign on the statue of Liberty saying, "America expects every man to pay his duty?"--_Kent Packard_. ... TASTE
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house and said: 'Show me your new parlor rug, won't you, please?'" S... TEACHERS
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At ... TEARS
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought tears to his eyes. Mike, seeing Pat crying, exclaimed: "Phat be ye ... TEETH
There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_. Pat came to the office... TELEPHONE
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted, asking humbly for a number. One of the girls became indignant and s... TEMPER
Hearing the crash of china Dinah's mistress arrived in time to see her favorite coffee-set in pieces. The sight was too much for her mercurial temper. "Dinah," she said, "I cannot stand it any longer. I want you to go. I want you to go soon, I wan... TEMPERANCE
A Boston deacon who was a zealous advocate for the cause of temperance employed a carpenter to make some alterations in his home. In repairing a corner near the fireplace, it was found necessary to remove the wainscot, when some things were brough... TEXAS
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brownsville, at the bottom of the map, to Dallas, which is several hundr... TEXTS
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the text, "The voice of the turtle shall be heard in the land." Not notin... THEATER
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one, exterior of a Broadway theater, with the ticket-speculators getti... THIEVES
GEORGIA LAWYER (to colored prisoner)--"Well, Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you any money?" RASTUS--"No; but I'se got a mule, and a few chickens, and a hog or two." LAWYER--"Those will do very nicely. Now, let's see; what do they accu... THIN PEOPLE
There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. There was a young lady of Lynn, Who was so excessively thin, ... THRIFT
It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him: "Why do you always take the penn... TIDES
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding wave came a little closer to his feet. At last an extra big wave wa... TIME
Mrs. Hooligan was suffering from the common complaint of having more to do than there was time to do it in. She looked up at the clock and then slapped the iron she had lifted from the stove back on the lid with a clatter. "Talk about toime and to... TIPS
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to carry it much too far, or else attempt to resist it altogether. Ther... TITLES OF HONOR AND NOBILITY
An English lord was traveling through this country with a small party of friends. At a farmhouse the owner invited the party in to supper. The good housewife, while preparing the table, discovering she was entertaining nobility, was nearly overcom... TOASTS
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman. ... TOBACCO
"Tobaccy wanst saved my life," said Paddy Blake, an inveterate smoker. "How was that?" inquired his companion. "Ye see, I was diggin' a well, and came up for a good smoke, and while I was up the well caved in." _See also_ Smoking. ... TOURISTS
_See_ Liars; Travelers. ... TRADE UNIONS
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?" ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." "Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agree to be happy eight hours a day." ... TRAMPS
LADY--"Can't you find work?" TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." LADY--"And can't you get one?" TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-eight years." ... TRANSMUTATION
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful views, when a woman in a particularly noticeable sheath-gown passed.... TRAVELERS
An American tourist, who was stopping in Tokio had visited every point of interest and had seen everything to be seen except a Shinto funeral. Finally she appealed to the Japanese clerk of the hotel, asking him to instruct her guide to take her to... TREASON
It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite, criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords, exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much like treason." Instantly came the ans... TREES
CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?" FATHER--"They do, my son." CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?" FATHER--"The pantry, my son." ... TRIGONOMETRY
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?" "Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives." The ... TROUBLE
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "Let all you husbands who ha... TRUSTS
A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_. TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates correctly and indelibly as the egg is b... TRUTH
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too te... TURKEYS
"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I was a boy, as the central figure!" "Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of them."-... TUTORS
A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, "Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tutors to toot?" --_Carolyn Wells_. ... TWINS
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_. ... UMBRELLAS
A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek... VALUE
"The trouble with father," said the gilded youth, "is that he has no idea of the value of money." "You don't mean to imply that he is a spendthrift?" "Not at all. But he puts his money away and doesn't appear to have any appreciation of all t...