HUSBAND--My dear how would you like a book for a present
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present? WIFE--Very much. "Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?" "No; a bank-book." ... HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player. WIFE--Why? HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter. ... HUSBAND--Where's your mistress
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour." MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown." ... Hush not so loud
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers." "Eh! Who is conferring?" "My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook." ... I am quite surprised Mr
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law." "Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?" ... I am told lynching is a pastime in this section
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section." "Well, we do loop the loop occasionally." ... I am told said she saucily that though you are a military man you are afraid of powder
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder." "To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this." Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips show... I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't." ... I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to." "Well?" "She said she was looking for something better than that." ... I cannot play second fiddle to any one
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one." "Then be my beau!" ... I don't give a rap said the coachman haughtily as he rang the electric bell
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell. ... I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church he urged; I am a spiritualist
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist." "I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know." ... I got your fare didn't I
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor. "I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up." ... I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it." "Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old." "Yes, but this was tomato soup." ... I hate a liar Wiggins cried Said Jiggins Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem." ...

Whether tall men or short men are best Or bold men or modest and shy men I can't say but this I protest All the fair are in favor of Hy-men Charlemagne was in need of amusement Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant Ma what is a Panama man called Ah Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia MRS

What's the matter here MRS How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush 'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks And plunges in the cooling tide Arrayed in naught else but his hide An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY