Major Blink's First Season At Saratoga
"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a
jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs.
Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs.
Bamberry ever tell you of my tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer
was two years."
"No," said several of us neuter genders who had repeatedly heard all
about it, but were desirous that those who
especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was
dieting for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it,
Major."
"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the
banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two
years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether,
brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A
friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his
wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I
don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my
head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to
go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be
sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell
box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in
poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young
woman, you may say--"
"So that you had to beau her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several
of the company.
"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or
other, I-a--I-a--"
"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant
as possible, eh?" says the gents.
"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you,
gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy
with a young--"
"And beautiful!" echoed the company.
"Unexperienced," continued the Major.
"And unprotected," says the chorus.
"Volatile," added the Major.
"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--"
"Miss Catchem," said the Major.
"Catchem!" cried the gents.
"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable
widow," continued the Major.
"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle
Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate.
"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no
matter, they were of good family, and a--"
"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with
your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you
became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us
how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.
"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss
Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the
Major.
"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.
"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."
"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.
"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The
fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of
going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of
a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or
other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out
that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--"
"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the
young ladies.
"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but
it turned out just as I have stated."
"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how
about Saratoga?"
"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You
see Padlock didn't go, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made
up my mind to go, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four
weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my
purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or
so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I
assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was
determined to do it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person
I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to
see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a
large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other,
we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well,
I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty
dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we
never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke
up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe
again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner
of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his
pongee, the Major continued:
"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a
couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one
day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days
out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended
for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy,
this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your
reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the
steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked
in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it
was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up
the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me
he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was
in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his
deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me
to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned
me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value
that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part,
indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was
very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival
at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow
it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days
from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage
that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable
youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not
rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently
much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor
woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to
Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon
arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it
was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire
about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from
that to this!"
A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this tableau in
Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded:
"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I
was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town
authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by
Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of
me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her
child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide
for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.
"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you
yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a
fine man."
"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.
"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the
youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable,
rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite
independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets
I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a
waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called
'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising
such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky
fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be
half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of
such folderols; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented
by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose
my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' bribes and
sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess
it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my protege, bag and
baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to
Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of
that tour--not including the time wasted, vexation, bother,
mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less
than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip,
lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I
ever dreamed of!"
Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle
Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all
concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how!
More
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