After Dinner Speeches
Employers And Employees
Kings And Rulers
Joke Topics Home
The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age.
"How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller.
"Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when I'm
on the cars I'm four."
"How effusively sweet that Mrs. Blondey is to you, Jonesy," said
Witherell. "What's up? Any tender little romance there?"
"No, indeed--why, that woman hates me," said Jonesy.
"She doesn't show it," said Witherell.
"No; but she knows I know how old she is--we were both born on the same
day," said Jonesy, "and she's afraid I'll tell somebody."
As every southerner knows, elderly colored people rarely know how old
they are, and almost invariably assume an age much greater than belongs
to them. In an Atlanta family there is employed an old chap named Joshua
Bolton, who has been with that family and the previous generation for
more years than they can remember. In view, therefore, of his advanced
age, it was with surprise that his employer received one day an
application for a few days off, in order that the old fellow might, as
he put it, "go up to de ole State of Virginny" to see his aunt.
"Your aunt must be pretty old," was the employer's comment.
"Yassir," said Joshua. "She's pretty ole now. I reckon she's 'bout a
hundred an' ten years ole."
"One hundred and ten! But what on earth is she doing up in Virginia?"
"I don't jest know," explained Joshua, "but I understand she's up dere
livin' wif her grandmother."
When "Bob" Burdette was addressing the graduating class of a large
eastern college for women, he began his remarks with the usual
salutation, "Young ladies of '97." Then in a horrified aside he added,
"That's an awful age for a girl!"
THE PARSON (about to improve the golden hour)--"When a man reaches your
age, Mr. Dodd, he cannot, in the nature of things, expect to live very
much longer, and I--"
THE NONAGENARIAN--"I dunno, parson. I be stronger on my legs than I were
when I started!"
A well-meaning Washington florist was the cause of much embarrassment to
a young man who was in love with a rich and beautiful girl.
It appears that one afternoon she informed the young man that the next
day would be her birthday, whereupon the suitor remarked that he would
the next morning send her some roses, one rose for each year.
That night he wrote a note to his florist, ordering the delivery of
twenty roses for the young woman. The florist himself filled the order,
and, thinking to improve on it, said to his clerk:
"Here's an order from young Jones for twenty roses. He's one of my best
customers, so I'll throw in ten more for good measure."--_Edwin Tarrisse_.
A small boy who had recently passed his fifth birthday was riding in a
suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary
question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which
did not require a fare, the conductor passed on to the next person.
The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then,
concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to
the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's
The late John Bigelow, the patriarch of diplomats and authors, and the
no less distinguished physician and author, Dr. S. Weir Mitchell, were
together, several years ago, at West Point. Dr. Bigelow was then
ninety-two, and Dr. Mitchell eighty.
The conversation turned to the subject of age. "I attribute my many
years," said Dr. Bigelow, "to the fact that I have been most abstemious.
I have eaten sparingly, and have not used tobacco, and have taken little
"It is just the reverse in my case," explained Dr. Mitchell. "I have
eaten just as much as I wished, if I could get it; I have always used
tobacco, immoderately at times; and I have always taken a great deal of
With that, Ninety-Two-Years shook his head at Eighty-Years and said,
"Well, you will never live to be an old man!"--_Sarah Bache Hodge_.
A wise man never puts away childish things.--_Sidney Dark_.
To the old, long life and treasure;
To the young, all health and pleasure.
Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle; Old Age a regret.--_Disraeli_.
We do not count a man's years, until he has nothing else to
To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful
than to be forty years old.--_O.W. Holmes_.
Previous: AFTER DINNER SPEECHES
Random Joke Topics