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_Mrs. Profiteer:_ "Is this a pedigree dog?"

_Dealer:_ "Pedigree? I should just think 'e is, Mum. Why, if the animal
could only talk 'e wouldn't speak to either of us."

* * *

_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we
all getting married?"

* * *

_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married
_years_ ago."

* * *

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more
yer does a bit o' work for it."

* * *

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the
afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last
week."

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again
this afternoon."

* * *

_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you
weren't in the habit of attending church."

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's
Sundays."

* * *

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

* * *

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near
broke me jaw already."

* * *

_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest
fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

* * *

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel
very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."

* * *

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

* * *

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear
father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

* * *

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _éclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would
that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make
the space at the wrong end."

* * *

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for
his birthday."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's
friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the
author's compliments.'"

* * *





Next: The Obstacle

Previous: A Subtle Distinction



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