TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me
TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me. ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid. ... Tommy said mamma tearfully it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you." TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place. ... TOMMY--Pa did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase
TOMMY--Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase? PA--Just come here, sir, and I'll show you. TOMMY--Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it. ... TOMMY--Yes cats can see in the dark and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day." ... Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning." ... TRAMP--Can't you give a poor man something to eat
TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work." Woman-"Where was you shot?" "In the spinal column, mum." "Go 'way! There was no such battle." ... Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring. Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!" "Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you." ... Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair
Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine h... Two wrongs don't make a right
"Two wrongs don't make a right." "Yes, they do." "How so?" "Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right." ... VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication
VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication? EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse. ... VISITOR--Oh what a nice parrot you've got
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?" PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look." ... We are told that Gen
We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack. ... We don't always know just how the other half lives; but in Chicago the better half lives on her alimony
We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony. ... We have German bands and French bands and American bands but you never hear of an Irish band
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader." ... We mustn't kiss the baby we mustn't kiss the kid We mustn't kiss the dainty miss so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and wrastle us there waits the awful bacillus The sempiternal most infernal omnipresent germ
We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid, We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm; To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus, The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ. ...

Whether tall men or short men are best Or bold men or modest and shy men I can't say but this I protest All the fair are in favor of Hy-men Charlemagne was in need of amusement Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant Ma what is a Panama man called Ah Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia MRS

What's the matter here MRS How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush 'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks And plunges in the cooling tide Arrayed in naught else but his hide An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY