BOY (with new gun)--Pa has a cat got nine lives
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?" PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?" BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her." ... BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas nowadays
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays. JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints. ... BROWN--Peckhen has arrived safe
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him." SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?" BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go." ... BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her. JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that. ... BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that old man
BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man? JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy." BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks. ... BROWN--Young Dudel's body has been recovered
BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes." ... Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding. ... BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size and will give you $1 a week
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week. APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise? BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning. ... CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother little boy
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged? LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married. ... Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer. "And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?" "To put your clothes in, of course!" "And go naked? Not a bit iv it!" ... Can you give me a front room on the first floor
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk. "Can I give it to you?" "Yes, that is what I remarked." "That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I ... Can you swim little boy
"Can you swim, little boy?" "Yes, sir." "Where did you learn?" "In the water, sir." ... Casey bet on a horse which finished last
Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?" ... Castles in the air are walled in by fancy remarked the poet
"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat. ... Charlemagne was in need of amusement
Charlemagne was in need of amusement. "Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?" "Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of '...

Whether tall men or short men are best Or bold men or modest and shy men I can't say but this I protest All the fair are in favor of Hy-men Charlemagne was in need of amusement Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant Ma what is a Panama man called Ah Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia MRS

What's the matter here MRS How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush 'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks And plunges in the cooling tide Arrayed in naught else but his hide An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY