After Dinner Speeches
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"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?"
asked the careful mother.
"I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs
boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like
"Live within your income," was a maxim uttered by Mr. Carnegie on his
seventy-sixth birthday. This is easy; the difficulty is to live without
"You say your jewels were stolen while the family was at dinner?"
"No, no! This is an important robbery. Our dinner was stolen while we
were putting on our jewels."
A grouchy butcher, who had watched the price of porterhouse steak climb
the ladder of fame, was deep in the throes of an unusually bad grouch
when a would-be customer, eight years old, approached him and handed him
"Please, mister, I want a cent's worth of sausage."
Turning on the youngster with a growl, he let forth this burst of good
"Go smell o' the hook!"
TOM--"My pa is very religious. He always bows his head and says
something before meals."
DICK--"Mine always says something when he sits down to eat, but he don't
bow his head."
TOM--"What does he say?"
DICK--"Go easy on the butter, kids, it's forty cents a pound."
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