After Dinner Speeches
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BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that
girl who lives in the suburbs?"
GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have
transferred to a town girl."
"I see you carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the
"Yes," said the second commuter, "I was missing too many trains. The old
brand required three seconds to prepare. You can fix this new brand in a
second and a half."
After the sermon on Sunday morning the rector welcomed and shook hands
with a young German.
"And are you a regular communicant?" said the rector. "Yes," said the
German: "I take the 7:45 every morning."--_M.L. Hayward_.
A suburban train was slowly working its way through one of the blizzards
of 1894. Finally it came to a dead stop and all efforts to start it
again were futile.
In the wee, small hours of the morning a weary commuter, numb from the
cold and the cramped position in which he had tried to sleep, crawled
out of the train and floundered through the heavy snow-drifts to the
nearest telegraph station. This is the message he handed to the
"Will not be at office to-day. Not home yesterday yet."
A nervous commuter on his dark, lonely way home from the railroad
station heard footsteps behind him. He had an uncomfortable feeling that
he was being followed. He increased his speed. The footsteps quickened
accordingly. The commuter darted down a lane. The footsteps still
pursued him. In desperation he vaulted over a fence and, rushing into a
churchyard, threw himself panting on one of the graves.
"If he follows me here," he thought fearfully, "there can be no doubt as
to his intentions."
The man behind was following. He could hear him scrambling over the
fence. Visions of highwaymen, maniacs, garroters and the like flashed
through his brain. Quivering with fear, the nervous one arose and faced
"What do you want?" he demanded. "Wh-why are you following me?"
"Say," asked the stranger, mopping his brow, "do you always go home like
this? I'm going up to Mr. Brown's and the man at the station told me to
follow you, as you lived next door. Excuse my asking you, but is there
much more to do before we get there?"
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