COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
"Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd
look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of milk."
A well-known author tells of an English spinster who said, as she
watched a great actress writhing about the floor as Cleopatra:
"How different from the home life of our late dear queen!"
"Darling," whispered the ardent suitor, "I lay my fortune at your feet."
"Your fortune?" she replied in surprise. "I didn't know you had one."
"Well, it isn't much of a fortune, but it will look large besides those
tiny feet."
"Girls make me tired," said the fresh young man. "They are always going
to palmists to have their hands read."
"Indeed!" said she sweetly; "is that any worse than men going into
saloons to get their noses red?"
A friend once wrote Mark Twain a letter saying that he was in very bad
health, and concluding: "Is there anything worse than having toothache
and earache at the same time?"
The humorist wrote back: "Yes, rheumatism and Saint Vitus's dance."
The Rev. Dr. William Emerson, of Boston, son of Ralph Waldo Emerson,
recently made a trip through the South, and one Sunday attended a
meeting in a colored church. The preacher was a white man, however, a
white man whose first name was George, and evidently a prime favorite
with the colored brethren. When the service was over Dr. Emerson walked
home behind two members of the congregation, and overheard this
conversation: "Massa George am a mos' pow'ful preacher." "He am dat."
"He's mos's pow'ful as Abraham Lincoln." "Huh! He's mo' pow'ful dan
Lincoln." "He's mos' 's pow'ful as George Washin'ton." "Huh! He's mo'
pow'ful dan Washin'ton." "Massa George ain't quite as pow'ful as God."
"N-n-o, not quite. But he's a young man yet."
Is it possible your pragmatical worship should not know that the
comparisons made between wit and wit, courage and courage, beauty and
beauty, birth and birth, are always odious and ill taken?--_Cervantes_.
More
-
CHARACTER
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons: "Can you tell me the reason why the lions didn't eat Daniel?" "No sir. Why was it?" "Be... CHARITY
"Charity," said Rev. B., "is a sentiment common to human nature. A never sees B in distress without wishing C to relieve him." Dr. C.H. Parkhurst, the eloquent New York clergyman, at a recent banquet said of charity: "Too many of us, perhap... CHICAGO
A western bookseller wrote to a house in Chicago asking that a dozen copies of Canon Farrar's "Seekers after God" be shipped to him at once. Within two days he received this reply by telegraph: "No seekers after God in Chicago or New York. Try... CHICKEN STEALING
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gits 'em." Ida Bl... CHILD LABOR
"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!" "Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama."--_Life_. ... CHILDREN
Two weary parents once advertised: "WANTED, AT ONCE--Two fluent and well-learned persons, male or female, to answer the questions of a little girl of three and a boy of four; each to take four hours per day and rest the parents of said children.... CHOICES
William Phillips, our secretary of embassy at London, tells of an American officer who, by the kind permission of the British Government, was once enabled to make a week's cruise on one of His Majesty's battleships. Among other things that impress... CHOIRS
_See_ Singers. ... CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS
While waiting for the speaker at a public meeting a pale little man in the audience seemed very nervous. He glanced over his shoulder from time to time and squirmed and shifted about in his seat. At last, unable to stand it longer, he arose and de... CHRISTIANS
At a dinner, when the gentlemen retired to the smoking room and one of the guests, a Japanese, remained with the ladies, one asked him: "Aren't you going to join the gentlemen, Mr. Nagasaki?" "No. I do not smoke, I do not swear, I do not drink... CHRISTMAS GIFTS
"As you don't seem to know what you'd like for Christmas, Freddie," said his mother, "here's a printed list of presents for a good little boy." Freddie read over the list, and then said: "Mother, haven't you a list for a bad little boy?" ... CHRONOLOGY
TOURIST--"They have just dug up the corner-stone of an ancient library in Greece, on which is inscribed '4000 B.C.'" ENGLISHMAN--"Before Carnegie, I presume." ... CHURCH ATTENDANCE
"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night." "New minister?" "No it was burned down." "I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you are having such small congregations. Is that so?" "Yes," answered the othe... CHURCH DISCIPLINE
Pius the Ninth was not without a certain sense of humor. One day, while sitting for his portrait to Healy, the painter, speaking of a monk who had left the church and married, he observed, not without malice: "He has taken his punishment into his ... CIRCUS
A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business; the faking in the "side-show." Coup was the owner of a small circus that bo... CIVILIZATION
An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the redskins. On one occasion a pompous little man was being shown through one institution when he came upo... CLEANLINESS
"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one to clean out which would have called for the best efforts of the renovator of the Augean stables. And t... CLERGY
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the children could tell him. "Oh, yes, you know!" he said, and to help ... CLIMATE
In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters ... CLOTHING
One morning as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call, sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation: "There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes's again without a necktie! It's really disgraceful the way you negl... CLUBS
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. "When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that none of its members shall marry a man who won't shave every morn... COAL DEALERS
In a Kansas town where two brothers are engaged in the retail coal business a revival was recently held and the elder of the brothers was converted. For weeks he tried to persuade his brother to join the church. One day he asked: "Why can't you... COEDUCATION
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will follow? What will follow, I repeat?" And a loud, masculine voice i... COFFEE
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked the host if he had any chicory in the house. He had. Bismarck said--... COINS
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a souvenir." "Thanks, Herman," said the old lady. "I wish you'd thought to have brought me home one of the... COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and find out. Those knowing themselves indebted and not wishing to call,... COLLECTORS AND COLLECTING
Sir Walter Raleigh had called to take a cup of tea with Queen Elizabeth. "It was very good of you, Sir Walter," said her Majesty, smiling sweetly upon the gallant Knight, "to ruin your cloak the other day so that my feet should not be wet by tha... COLLEGE GRADUATES
"Can't I take your order for one of our encyclopedias!" asked the dapper agent. "No I guess not," said the busy man. "I might be able to use it a few times, but my son will be home from college in June." ... COLLEGE STUDENTS
"Say, dad, remember that story you told me about when you were expelled from college?" "Yes." "Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that history repeats itself." WANTED: Burly beauty-proof individual to read meters in sorority ... COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
The college is a coy maid-- She has a habit quaint Of making eyes at millionaires And winking at the taint. --_Judge_. "What is a 'faculty'?" "A 'faculty' is a body of men surrounded by red tape."--_Cornell Widow_. Ya... COMMON SENSE
A mysterious building had been erected on the outskirts of a small town. It was shrouded in mystery. All that was known about it was that it was a chemical laboratory. An old farmer, driving past the place after work had been started, and seeing a... COMMUTERS
BRIGGS--"Is it true that you have broken off your engagement to that girl who lives in the suburbs?" GRIGGS--"Yes; they raised the commutation rates on me and I have transferred to a town girl." "I see you carrying home a new kind of breakf... COMPARISONS
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. "Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I could nevah wear that. I'd look jes' like a blueberry in a pan of ... COMPENSATION
"Speakin' of de law of compensation," said Uncle Eben, "an automobile goes faster dan a mule, but at de same time it hits harder and balks longer." ... COMPETITION
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected. "How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon. "Oh, I'... COMPLIMENTS
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blow, and then a crowd gathered. The man who was struck ran and grabbe... COMPOSERS
Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. --_Life_. ... COMPROMISES
Boss--"There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer." Office Boy--"Well, s'pose we each pay $5 and say no more about it." ... CONFESSIONS
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?" "No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm hand and was always taught to report misdeeds promptly. One... CONGRESS
Congress is a national inquisitorial body for the purpose of acquiring valuable information and then doing nothing about it.--_Life_. "Judging from the stuff printed in the newspapers," says a congressman, "we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in t... CONGRESSMEN
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one table there were no decorations but palm leaves. "Here," said a con... CONSCIENCE
The moral of this story may be that it is better to heed the warnings of the "still small voice" before it is driven to the use of the telephone. A New York lawyer, gazing idly out of his window, saw a sight in an office across the street that m... CONSEQUENCES
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get." Consequences are unpitying. Our deeds car... CONSIDERATION
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm. "Dat's as fine a goose as I evah see, Bruddah Williams," he said ... CONSTANCY
A soldier belonging to a brigade in command of a General who believed in a celibate army asked permission to marry, as he had two good-conduct badges and money in the savings-bank. "Well, go-away," said the General, "and if you come back to me a... CONTRIBUTION BOX
The parson looks it o'er and frets. It puts him out of sorts To see how many times he gets A penny for his thoughts. --_J.J. O'Connell_. There were introductions all around. The big man stared in a puzzled way at the club gu... CONUNDRUMS
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?" "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give it up." "Well, Mose, one is a thinning scheme and the other is ... CONVERSATION
"My dog understands every word I say." "Um." "Do you doubt it?" "No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly." THE TALL AND AGGRESS... COOKERY
"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies." "Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die ... COOKS
_See_ Servants. ... CORNETS
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not, but"--after a pause--"I doubt whether the man next door will."... CORNS
Great aches from little toe-corns grow. ... CORPULENCE
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extremely fat. He tipped the scales at some three hundred pounds. "Mi... COSMOPOLITANISM
Secretary of State Lazansky refused to incorporate the Hell Cafe of New York. "New York's cafes are singular enough," said Mr. Lazansky, "without the addition of such a queerly named institution as the Hell." He smiled and added: "Is there... COST OF LIVING
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother. "I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I can't have anybody in this family throwing coal around like that.... COUNTRY LIFE
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the country?" MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in the country?"--_Life_. VISITOR--"You have a fine road leadi... COURAGE
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell me what he did to you." BEATRICE--"He pulled out two of Willie's teet... COURTESY
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight disfigurement, was very vain of her personal appearance. His native po... COURTS
One day when old Thaddeus Stevens was practicing in the courts he didn't like the ruling of the presiding Judge. A second time when the Judge ruled against "old Thad," the old man got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced tying up ... COURTSHIP
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann. With a yell and a who... COWARDS
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out." "Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar'... COWS
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited. "Oh, Cousin John, what is that?... CRITICISM
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night!" SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!" As soon Seek roses in ... CRUELTY
"Why do you beat your little son? It was the cat that upset the vase of flowers." "I can't beat the cat. I belong to the S.P.C.A." ...