The Alleged Humorists
"I can read my husband like a book." "Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear." * * * "I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss." "What did she say?... The Brute!
_Mrs. Newlywed:_ "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?" _Mr. Newlywed:_ "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!" _Mrs. Newlywed:_ "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first." * ... The Consumer Inflamed
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. "Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely. "Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. * * * ... The Difference
_She:_ "I'm so glad we're engaged." _He:_ "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?" _She:_ "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't." * * * ... The Druggist's Turn
The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves. "What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?" "No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?" "Yes, but what--" "Well, t... The Floor Held
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend. "Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?" * * * ... The Gloomy Guest
The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up. "Er--have you k... The Jonah
"Now, children," said the Sunday-school teacher, "I have told you the story of Jonah and the whale. Willie, you may tell me what this story teaches." "Yes'm," said Willie, the bright-eyed son ef the pastor; "it teaches that you can't keep a good ... The New Appreciation
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?" * * * _Lady:_ "I've just been making my side... The Obstacle
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said." _Fred:_ "What did she say?" _George:_ "No!" * * * ... The Real Job
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?" "Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies." * * * ... The Road To---- Etc
"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions." "I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world." * * * ... The Secret
_The Man of Theory:_ "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot." _The Man of Practice:_ "But it has to be a whole lot." * * * ... The Servant Problem
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----" _Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----" _Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in... The Substitute
A tourist at an hotel in Ireland asked the girl who waited at the table if he could have some poached eggs. "We haven't any eggs, sorr," she replied; then, after a moment's reflection, "but I think I could get ye some poached salmon." ...

Humility The Gloomy Guest Optimism Repentance Hospitality Recognition Baptism Physiology

Sarcasm Discretion Sympathy Economy Cause And Effect He Knew What He Preferred Appearances