Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling. ... Good gracious said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next." ... GRACE--Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands." ... GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead." ... GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?" ... GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box. ... GUEST--Look here waiter do you call this a spring chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue." WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!" ... GUEST--What have you got
GUEST--What have you got? WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet-- GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know. ... GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree. STRANGER--How can you tell? GUIDE--By its bark. ... Harold began his wife
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----" "Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!" ... HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself? POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter. ... Have you ever met my sister Louisa
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home--Lena." ... Have you much room in your new flat
"Have you much room in your new flat?" "Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk." ... Have you received last month's gas bill dear
"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?" "Yes, husband." "Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?" ... Haven't I told you before he cried to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?" "I will sir." And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear P...

Whether tall men or short men are best Or bold men or modest and shy men I can't say but this I protest All the fair are in favor of Hy-men Charlemagne was in need of amusement Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant Ma what is a Panama man called Ah Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia MRS

What's the matter here MRS How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush 'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks And plunges in the cooling tide Arrayed in naught else but his hide An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY