Why so glum Blumly
"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?" "Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends." "By death or marriage?" "Neither. I loaned them money." ... Why the bare idea
"Why, the bare idea!" "Of what, dear?" "Telling the naked truth!" ... Widowhood makes a woman unselfish
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two." ... WIFE--Got a dollar
WIFE--"Got a dollar?" HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?" "Gone." "I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could." "I did." "Doesn't look like it." "Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen." ... WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green my darling
WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling? HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it. "For what reason?" "Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body." "How will the planting of violets upon my ... Will the coming man use both arms
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins." ... With cards and dice and dress and friends My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends And thus make both ends meet
With cards and dice, and dress and friends, My savings are complete; I light the candle at both ends, And thus make both ends meet. ... Women my boy said a parent to his son are a delusion and a snare
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snare... Would you said the reporter who gets novel interviews tell me what book helped you most in life
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?" After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book." ... YANKEE--I say Britisher can you spell horse
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?" ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse." ... YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs? CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead. ... Yes dear said the petted young wife examining her Christmas gift these diamond earrings are pretty but the stones are awfully small
"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small." "Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of ... Yes he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?" "Why shouldn't he be proud?" "Well, pride goes before a fall, you know." ... Yes I have seen the day when Mr
"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." "And when was that, pray?" "At the time he was bathing." ... Yes indeed he's the homeliest man in public life to-day
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?" "No, but I've seen caricatures of him." "Oh, they flatter him. You should see him." ...

Whether tall men or short men are best Or bold men or modest and shy men I can't say but this I protest All the fair are in favor of Hy-men Charlemagne was in need of amusement Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant Ma what is a Panama man called Ah Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you Yes there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia MRS

What's the matter here MRS How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed When we first dined at a cafe We feared they'd drop their trays but later We learned somewhat to our dismay It takes--as scores of men will say-- A big tip to upset a waiter Rowley Powley pudding and pie Kissed the girls and made them cry To-morrow never comes they say; But all such talk is idle gush For when we have a debt to pay To-morrow gets there with a rush 'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks And plunges in the cooling tide Arrayed in naught else but his hide An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY