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THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word
an oath."
THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we
don't neither of us mean nuthin' by it."
FIRST DEAF MUTE--"He wasn't so very angry, was he?"
SECOND DEAF MUTE--"He was so wild that the words he used almost
blistered his fingers."
The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"
"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word
again."
A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word
worth half a dollar."
Very frequently the winter highways of the Yukon valley are mere trails,
traversed only by dog-sledges. One of the bishops in Alaska, who was
very fond of that mode of travel, encountered a miner coming out with
his dog-team, and stopped to ask him what kind of a road he had come
over.
The miner responded with a stream of forcible and picturesque profanity,
winding up with:
"And what kind o' trail did you have?"
"Same as yours," replied the bishop feelingly.--_Elgin Burroughs_.
A scrupulous priest of Kildare,
Used to pay a rude peasant to swear,
Who would paint the air blue,
For an hour or two,
While his reverence wrestled in prayer.
Donald and Jeanie were putting down a carpet. Donald slammed the end of
his thumb with the hammer and began to pour forth his soul in language
befitting the occasion.
"Donald, Donald!" shrieked Jeanie, horrified. "Dinna swear that way!"
"Wummun!" vociferated Donald; "gin ye know ony better way, now is the
time to let me know it!"
"It is not always necessary to make a direct accusation," said the
lawyer who was asking damages because insinuations had been made against
his client's good name. "You may have heard of the woman who called to
the hired girl, 'Mary, Mary. come here and take the parrot
downstairs--the master has dropped his collar button!'"
Little Bartholomew's mother overheard him swearing like a mule-driver.
He displayed a fluency that overwhelmed her. She took him to task,
explaining the wickedness of profanity as well as its vulgarity. She
asked where he had learned all those dreadful words. Bartholomew
announced that Cavert, one of his playmates, had taught him.
Cavert's mother was straightway informed and Cavert was brought to book.
He vigorously denied having instructed Bartholomew, and neither threats
nor tears could make him confess. At last he burst out:
"I didn't tell Bartholomew any cuss words. Why should I know how to cuss
any better than he does? Hasn't his father got an automobile, too?"
They were in Italy together.
"If you would let me curse them black and blue," said the groom, "we
shouldn't have to wait so long for the trunks."
"But, darling, please don't. It would distress me so," murmured the
bride.
The groom went off, but quickly returned with the porters before him
trundling the trunks at a double quick.
"Oh, dearest, how did you do it? You didn't--?"
"Not at all. I thought of something that did quite as well. I said,
'_S-s-s-susquehanna, R-r-r-rappahannock!'"--Cornelia C. Ward_.
A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty
words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:
"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted
up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are
what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not
fit for publication."
The ashman was raising a can of ashes above his head to dump the
contents into his cart, when the bottom of the can came out. Ethel saw
it and ran in and told her mother.
"I hope you didn't listen to what he said," the mother remarked.
"He didn't say a word to me," replied the little girl; "he just walked
right off by the side of his cart, talking to God."
A young man entered the jeweler's store and bought a ring, which he
ordered engraved. The jeweler asked what name.
"George Osborne to Harriet Lewis, but I prefer only the initials, G.O.
to H.L."
For it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent
sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof
itself would have earned him.--_Shakespeare_.
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