I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I
couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would
let me take a step-ladder."
"Did she give it to you?"
"No; but she gave me a stare."
More
-
I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in
it
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it." "Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old." "Yes, but this was tomato soup." ... I hate a liar Wiggins cried Said Jiggins Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem." ... I hear Smith the sea captain is in hard luck
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him." "Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper." ... I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races? ... I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park. Why, how is that? Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees. ... I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?" "Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'." "How dreadful! And why do they call you that?" "Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot." ... I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up." "Well, if he tells the truth, he lies." ... I must admit said the mannish girl that I'm very fond of men's clothes
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?" "Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them." ... I once knew a man who with the aid of a microscope made a harness for a flea
"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea." "Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed." ... I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club." "That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip." ... I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out." "Did you shoot him?" "No. He was out of my range." ... I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that." ... I saw De Castro the magician make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes
"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar." ... I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder." "Did she give it to you?" "No; but she gave me a stare." ... I saw your sister on the street to-day
"I saw your sister on the street to-day." "How was she looking?" "I don't know. I didn't see her face." "How did you know it was my sister?" "Oh, I'm quick at figures." ... I say old chap how short your overcoat is
"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!" "Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a new one." ... I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off." "Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it." "How was that?" "Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals." ... I see villainy in your face said a judge to a prisoner
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. "May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection." ... I sent a dollar last week said the Good thing in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills
"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills." "And you got----" "A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book." ... I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?" "Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth." ... I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping." "That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases." "Well, isn't that what I said?" ... I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left." ... I want to get a head of cabbage said the man who had been sent to market
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market. "Large or small head?" asked the grocer. "Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly. ... I was at a banquet last night
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for." "Did you have any pale ale?" "No; we didn't have the pail." ... I was at the track to-day Percy and there was a horse down there with the itch
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him." ... I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down. I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak." ...