Boss hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"
"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"
"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
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As the umpire shouted Three balls
As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily. "This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher. ... ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take? TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs. ... At a West End hotel one of the party asked: Have you got any celery waiter
At a West End hotel one of the party asked: "Have you got any celery, waiter?" "No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips." ... Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before? The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life. ... BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for
BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for? EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember. ... Before marriage women wants tenderness
Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender. ... BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback
BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now! FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits. ... Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings
"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?" "Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!" ... BIGGS--I hear the jail was afire this morning
BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?" BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell." ... BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow. BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh. ... Bill had a billboard
Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill. ... Bluff a little bluff a little As you go your way; Bluffing may not always help you-- Many times it may
Bluff a little, bluff a little As you go your way; Bluffing may not always help you-- Many times it may. Bluff a little, bluff a little; Men may rail at you-- But you'll see by watching closely That th... Boss hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?" "Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?" "Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed." ... BOY (with new gun)--Pa has a cat got nine lives
BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?" PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?" BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her." ... BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas nowadays
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays. JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints. ... BROWN--Peckhen has arrived safe
BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him." SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?" BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go." ... BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her. JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that. ... BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that old man
BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man? JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy." BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks. ... BROWN--Young Dudel's body has been recovered
BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes." ... Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding
Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding. ... BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size and will give you $1 a week
BUTCHER--I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week. APPLICANT--Will I have a chance to rise? BUTCHER--Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning. ... CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother little boy
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged? LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married. ... Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer. "And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?" "To put your clothes in, of course!" "And go naked? Not a bit iv it!" ... Can you give me a front room on the first floor
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk. "Can I give it to you?" "Yes, that is what I remarked." "That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I ...