HUSBAND--Where's your mistress
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a
minute, and I've waited half an hour."
MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her
complexion to match her new gown."
More
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How are you to-day
"How are you to-day?" "Oh, I can't kick." "Thought you were ill." "I am--I have the gout." ... How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed
How by the statesman insincere Man's weary soul is vexed. He'll shake your hand one minute and He'll pull your leg the next! ... How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face
"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that's easy. She is my wife." ... How did that fight between the bridge tenders end
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?" "It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!" ... How did you cure your boy of swearing
"How did you cure your boy of swearing?" "By the laying on of hands, principally." ... How is Uncle Mose coming on
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster. "He will be out in a few days." "Is his rheumatism done gone?" "Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit." "Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'." ... How is your house heated
"How is your house heated?" "By hot air." "Hot air?" "Yes--the landlord's." ... How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop
How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop. ... How to make your trousers last Make your coat and waistcoat first
"How to make your trousers last," "Make your coat and waistcoat first." ... How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail
How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail. ... HUSBAND--I am going to buy two little children
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children." WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?" HUSBAND--"Down at the department store." WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?" HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladi... HUSBAND--My dear how would you like a book for a present
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present? WIFE--Very much. "Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?" "No; a bank-book." ... HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player
HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player. WIFE--Why? HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter. ... HUSBAND--Where's your mistress
HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour." MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown." ... Hush not so loud
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers." "Eh! Who is conferring?" "My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook." ... I am quite surprised Mr
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law." "Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?" ... I am told lynching is a pastime in this section
"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section." "Well, we do loop the loop occasionally." ... I am told said she saucily that though you are a military man you are afraid of powder
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder." "To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this." Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips show... I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit
I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't." ... I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to
"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to." "Well?" "She said she was looking for something better than that." ... I cannot play second fiddle to any one
"I cannot play second fiddle to any one." "Then be my beau!" ... I don't give a rap said the coachman haughtily as he rang the electric bell
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell. ... I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church he urged; I am a spiritualist
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist." "I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know." ... I got your fare didn't I
"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor. "I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up." ... I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it
"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it." "Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old." "Yes, but this was tomato soup." ... I hate a liar Wiggins cried Said Jiggins Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem
"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem." ...