Customer (to the coal dealer): Have you got any name for those scales of yours
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those
scales of yours?"
"I never heard of scales having a name."
"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are
always lying in weight."
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CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted
CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions. ... City Niece--The windows in our new church are stained
City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained." Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?" ... CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl
CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl? SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.--Philadelphia Press. ... CLARA--He gave me an army-and-navy kiss
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss." MAUD--"What kind is that?" CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!" ... CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion. DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria. ... Cohen left the ball-game
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!" ... Coleridge who was a bad rider was accosted when on horseback by a wag who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him
Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me--An ass spoke to him." ... Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids. ... CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria? DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was. "You don't say so!" "Yes, sir; I've got an incurable cas... Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again
"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again." "Why?" "Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons." ... Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant
"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn." ... COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees? BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them. ... Curious isn't it
"Curious, isn't it?" "What?" "A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check." ... Customer (to the coal dealer): Have you got any name for those scales of yours
Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?" "I never heard of scales having a name." "Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight." ... CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake? BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it. ... CUSTOMER: You have a sign in your window 'A suit of clothes made while you wait
CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?" TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished." ... DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e. ... Dear said the physician's wife when can you let me have ten dollars
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?" "Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly." "Cash a draft? What draft?" "The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning." ... Dearest she murmured I'm so afraid you'll change
"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change." "Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me." ... Dearest whispered Cordelia after she had captured the coveted solitaire I have a confession to make
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate." Clarence shuddered. "Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can bo... DICK--Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question
DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?" TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop." ... Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths. "I have," exclaimed one. "Where?" asked the teacher. "On the elephant," replied the boy. ... Did the fisherman have frog's legs Bridget
"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?" "Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on." ... Did the minister say anything comforting
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved. "Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off." ... Did you ever catch your husband flirting
"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?" "Yes; that's the very way I did catch him." ... Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck?" "Not particularly. Why?" "Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any chances, he--but ...