Friend of mine to-day said Mr
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming
here to board."
"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend
our table and"----
"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist
and wants to increase his reach."
More
-
Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross
"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross." ... Everybody knows a woman is hard to please
Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped. ... FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of she to a city
FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city? GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it? FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts. ... Firemen as well as other people like to talk of their flames
Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames. ... FIRST COMEDIAN--Did you score a hit with your new specialty
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?" SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through." FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once.... FIRST DOCTOR--Well doctor I had a peculiar case to-day
FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day. SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please? FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever. ... FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others? SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled. ... FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff
FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets. SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had good metal in him. ... For mercy sake don't put me near old Billions
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend. "Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting." "I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out someth... For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: Can't we have pies like mother used to bake
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?" At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay, When you make dough that papa used to make." ... FRANKLIN--Do you know I started in life as a barefooted boy
FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?" HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on." ... FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models. DICK--What for? FRED--To try on Parlor suits. ... FRED--I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours." ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?" FRED--"I fell asleep." ... Friend of mine to-day said Mr
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board." "I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"---- "Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to i... FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way? HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission. ... Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide. ... Gee I just made a bad break murmured the chef as he threw away some rotten eggs
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs. ... Gee whizz
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!" ... George you look exhausted she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat. "Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out." ... GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me. HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time? GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, Ge... Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling. ... Good gracious said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next." ... GRACE--Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands." ... GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead." ... GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?" ... GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box. ...