GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me.
HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time?
GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised
you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same.
Yours, George."
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FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a
keener sense of humor than others
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others? SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled. ... FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff
FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets. SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had good metal in him. ... For mercy sake don't put me near old Billions
"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend. "Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting." "I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out someth... For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: Can't we have pies like mother used to bake
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?" At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay, When you make dough that papa used to make." ... FRANKLIN--Do you know I started in life as a barefooted boy
FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?" HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on." ... FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models. DICK--What for? FRED--To try on Parlor suits. ... FRED--I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours
FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours." ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?" FRED--"I fell asleep." ... Friend of mine to-day said Mr
"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board." "I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"---- "Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to i... FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way
FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way? HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission. ... Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide. ... Gee I just made a bad break murmured the chef as he threw away some rotten eggs
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs. ... Gee whizz
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!" ... George you look exhausted she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat
"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat. "Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out." ... GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me
GEORGE--I can't understand why my girl shook me. HAROLD--What was that you wrote to her the last time? GEORGE--All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, Ge... Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling
Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling. ... Good gracious said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest
"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next." ... GRACE--Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more
GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more." BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged." GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands." ... GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead." ... GROCERYMAN--Pat do you like apples
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?" ... GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box. ... GUEST--Look here waiter do you call this a spring chicken
GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue." WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!" ... GUEST--What have you got
GUEST--What have you got? WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet-- GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know. ... GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree. STRANGER--How can you tell? GUIDE--By its bark. ... Harold began his wife
"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up----" "Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!" ... HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself
HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself? POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter. ... Have you ever met my sister Louisa
"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?" "Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?" "I have another at home--Lena." ...